Dangerous Thinkers

The Scariest Things

2006-11-28T07:01:00.000-08:00

I've tried to explain to other people exactly what it is about weird movies and stories that scare me. It may be my overactive imagination, or how my brain tries to piece together unrelated bits and pieces of movie scenes, and works overtime to attempt to make sense of them.

This is what makes weird movies such as Mulholland Dr. particularly frightening. It's not what is readily visible that is scary but that which you don't understand and is beyond your conception. Fortunately, there are many other people who scare the same way as this IMDB thread explains.

It's gotten bad enough that I stopped watching weird movies complete this year. To avoid overstimulating the imagination.

Excerpts: (By the way, the last few paragraphs in the excerpts describes exactly what's so terrifying about the Dumpster Scene in Mulholland Dr.)

I agree that there is something "off" about her relationship with her grandparents. I believe they had high hopes for her as an actress. Which is evident from them being at the jitterbug contest when she won, smiling by her side. Also (in Diane's dream) they are there at the airport wishing her well.

I've always thought that too. I've heard the molestation theory, but I'm not sure I buy that. There's just no evidence of that in the movie that I've seen.

But definitely, I've always thought the way they wish her good luck in her movie career (and then evilly laugh afterwards) had to have some kind of significance.

Perhaps they were the ones that pushed her towards becoming an actress? Gave her the hope that she wouldn't have had otherwise, which ended up ruining her life in her eyes? Also, perhaps the laughing after she leaves them at the airport is an indication that she didn't really believe they thought she could make it as an actress, but still pushed her towards that goal.

And yes, the Rabbits segments are particularly disturbing. On the surface, I believe they represent Lynch's grotesque re-interpretation of the standard all-American sitcom, something along the lines of the "molestation" sitcom sequence between Juliette Lewis and Rodney Dangerfield in Natural Born Killers. And yet the Rabbits also seem to serve an important plot function within the film's universe -- they leave their room, are disturbed by a phone call from one of the film's characters, etc. And the segments are not merely a sitcom parody -- there is a kind of abstraction intrinsic in the Rabbits' dialogue that is, somehow, purely and rawly Lynchian. Intriguing, leading, tantalizing, always dropping hints that it is progressing to the answer to a mystery, but ultimately only folding back upon itself.

I don't think I've ever been more terrifed by anything in a film, or TV show than the Winkie's monster in Mulholland Dr.

That scene ressurrected a kind of irriational, visceral, and primal terror that I had long forgotten, and haven't felt since I was a child. It's the kind of fear that strikes you like an icy dagger, or an electric jolt in a nightmare. In fact, I could just go on, and on, about how utterly brilliant, how utterly genius that single scene is. It's a masterstroke of psychological terror, as if David Lynch is a mad scientist experimenting in a laboratory of human emotions (there's a lot of that exact kind of stuff in Eraserhead, too). The scene works like a scientific experimentation film designed to study the cause, and effects of fear in the human mind. It also works EXACTLY, EXACTLY ... like the way a nightmare goes. As if a nightmare is going on before your wide-awake eyes! You know what? It looks like I am going on, and on. Better stop. Sorry. I should save this for the actual movie's board.

But, I've never seen anything in Lynch's movies, horror movies, or ANYTHING that has ever aroused more of a fright in me. Nothing beats the Winkie's bum, or that scene in general.

The guys are talking in the restaurant. The fearful man sets up the scene with an utterly chilling description of his dream. The other guy convinces him to walk out to put his fears at rest, but you know — positively know — what's going to happen, and the anticipation terrifies you. Angelo Badalamenti's music builds, stoking the terror almost primally.

The nervous guy doesn't want to move forward any further … and neither do we. He doesn't want to move forward because he knows in his heart that the monster is there, too, yet he's impelled onward anyway (just like in a nightmare). Then when the horror fully manifests itself, when the man-thing steps out from behind the wall, you're right there with the doomed man: shuddering and petrified. Everything you feared is true.

Viscerals

2006-11-10T20:39:00.000-08:00

One interesting section from Herb Cohen's 'You Can Negotiate Anything' book is the distinction between Idea Opponents and Visceral Opponents:

"An idea opponent is one who disagrees with you on a particular issue or alternative. The disparity of misunderstanding is theoretical.... A visceral opponent is an emotional adversary, who not only disagrees with your point of view, but disagrees with you as a human being. He may even attribute sinister or nefarious motives to the position you espouse."

Generally, I'm a big believer in making as many friends as possible. Not only do I owe a lot to my friends, but I just can't live without 'em. I tend to regard most of my opponents as 'idea opponents' - those who only disagree with me temporarily and that can be persuaded or brought back to the light side, with the right persistence. However I grudgingly have to admit that not all can be converted, there are a select few of those 'visceral opponents' who I just have to face the fact that I will never convert. It could have been due to a failure on my part, or a lack of sensitivity, but the viscerals remain nevertheless.

The important thing to learn is how to separate the idea opponents from the visceral opponents. Of course I'd rather not have any viscerals, but I'm guessing they are a mutant by-product of forming much of my close and loyal relationships which I can't live without anyway. Who are the viscerals in your life?

Steps

2006-10-19T04:23:00.000-07:00

Some of my favorite thoughts and ideas revolve around the concept of steps. There are a certain number of steps that need to be taken to accomplish a given task. At times I try to identify and organize these steps. It helps me think more clearly and give me some direction. Below are several steps-related concepts I've compiled throughout the years.

"Little steps leading to bigger steps"

I attribute this quote from the movie 'Contact', though I'm sure the exact line of dialogue is different from the quote. Nevertheless it's a fascinating idea. In the movie, the alien tells Jodie Foster that it will take time before mankind will learn about the true nature of the universe and get in contact with other intelligent life. It takes little steps leading to bigger steps. One small step at a time to achieve great things. I remind myself of this phrase when I get impatient and want big things right away. It takes a lot of little steps.

"One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."

These were the words that Neil Armstrong intended to say after stepping on the moon. Unfortunately, either he forgot to say the word "a" from "a man", or the syllable got lost in transmission. So history books will record it as "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" which doesn't make sense. The original unsaid quote has much more meaning. The idea is to take one major step that causes a direction change and leads to dramatic results. For instance, making the decision to read a page of a book that will change your life. Or having the courage to leave a bad relationship. Only one small step for a man.

"One step back, two steps forward"

I identified this trick only recently, though I've been unknowingly following this pattern for years. What usually happens is I encounter a major setback or failure, it could be an illness, or losing a big game, or a heartbreak, or a financial loss. It is painful at first, it feels like all your progress has halted and that you're falling backwards. But failure has interesting side effect. It makes the brain more receptive to making radical changes, your mind becomes a sponge soaking in new ideas. Generally, the more sick and tired you are, the more tired you are of being sick and tired.

What happens is you have a tendency to overcompensate for the failure and this leads to great benefits. Like the amateur boxer who loses his first match which causes him to train harder and have a killer instinct, and this makes him a champion. Without the original loss, there is no motivation to make changes to become a better fighter. The pattern is failure, then learn, then overcompensate.

Dangerous People

2006-09-04T17:40:00.000-07:00

The most kind, well-meaning people are also the most dangerous. A couple of years ago, I was trying to establish a healthy diet by religiously eating at least five helpings of fruits and veggies a day. Every morning at work, I would eat an apple or banana. My officemates on the other hand, would pass around a pack of artery-clogging chicharon (pork rinds). It took some discipline for me to say no thank you, every time I was offered some pork rinds. Yes it tasted good, but my current obsession at the time was following my health regimen, so actually it was quite easy to say no.

Though I did get the occasional praise for sticking to my diet (I was getting tired of hearing the line “an apple a day”), to my surprise, I also heard comments like “Come on man, have some chicharon, it can’t hurt you.” And more surprising, “That apple can’t be good for your digestive system in the morning.” Then they proceeded to explain to me how fruits are bad for the stomach when eaten early in the morning. What a bizarre world I thought, where pork rinds were good for you, and fruits were not. And those who gave the strange advice were entirely thoughtful and well-meaning.

Fortunately, I did my homework and researched how certain foods were good for you, and how some are certainly not good for you. Without this knowledge, I would have been easily influenced by the pork rind crowd. My point is that sometimes the conventional wisdom isn’t that conventional. The most dangerous people are those influential, kind and well-meaning folks that you want to believe in. And this very nature makes them more dangerous than wild animals. It helps to be aware of them.

Here’s a list of the most dangerous people out there. You don’t necessarily have to avoid them. Just be aware that they exist and handle them with kid gloves.

Experts

These are people who appear to have got it made. They may have money, power, influence. Or they may act very knowledgeable on certain subjects. I bet a lot of them actually think they are knowledgeable - experts in their fields. The danger is when they give ‘helpful advice’ that you believe and act upon. Whenever I talk to a self-acknowledged expert, I listen to what he says, but I always do my own research to verify if his ideas are sound. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Don’t rely on only one source of information. Don’t read only one book on the subject. Read and listen to a variety of experts, then make your own decision.

Peer Pressurists

There’s a class of individuals whom I term peer pressurists, meaning those who always go along with the crowd and the new ‘in thing’. There’s something about human nature that makes us want to conform. Sometimes we’ll be perfectly happy doing something different, something that goes against the norms of society. We may even be deriving some personal happiness and success in it. Yet, there’s always that man or woman who reminds us that “Hey, everyone else is doing this, shouldn’t you too?” These are well-meaning people that tell you that everyone should be working in an office, have life insurance, and married with kids by age 30. If not, there could be something wrong with you.

My favorite pet peeve are the people who like to impose their brand of music or pop culture on you. Everyone has to like what everyone else likes, listen to what everybody else listens to, and dress in the current style. When this occurs, you either have to call their bullshit or pretend that you’re going along with it, and just go ahead and do your own thing.

Neutral People

Dante sums this up pretty well: “The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in times of greatest moral crises maintain their neutrality.” Some of the most dangerous people out there are steadfast in staying neutral, not taking sides no matter what. These are going to be the first people to backstab you when times get tough. You need to handle them at arms length or avoid them entirely.

I’ve had many experiences where the conflict of the situation dictates that one side is right, and the other wrong. For instance, at work sometimes you need to make difficult decisions that will greatly affect the course of the future. Which architecture should we go with? Which person do we want to implement this feature? There are risks with making hard decisions. The good ones work hard to decide what is best, make up their minds, and choose a course of action. The lousy ones always stay neutral, never taking a stand. These are the people who, in times of your greatest need, when you ask them for help, they still stay neutral. Very dangerous if you ask me.

Energy Drainers

Have you ever worked or talked to someone for a prolonged period, and just felt so weary and tired after the session? I always wondered why certain people make me feel better after talking to them, while others make me feel worse. It’s as if they are harbingers of negative energy, sucking the life out of the unlucky people they come across.

I am actually sympathetic to energy drainers who feel their life is hopeless and prefer drowning in misery rather than making the difficult choices to escape the negative state. I want to help them feel better, solve their problems, but oftentimes it takes its toll, and I get drawn into the same energy draining state. I once had an energy draining friend tell me, “I can do all the things you tell me to get out of my situation, but it’s too much work.” The dangerous thing is that the negative energy becomes contagious and can drag you down if you’re not careful. If you know a way to reverse the energy drain process, I’d be interested to know.

Competitive People

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes competition is good. When they inspire you to accomplish more and improve yourself. What I find dangerous are people who like to compete merely to one-up you. These are people who will sing your praises, act like they love you, but will also be the first to cheer when you suffer defeat. One skill is distinguishing between good and bad competition, as well as good and bad competitors. For instance, I always get a bit uncomfortable when someone knows too much about my past successes and failures, when they are keeping tabs too closely. Sometimes I do experiments to check whether they are self-motivated, or if they are merely motivated by keeping up with their peers. For instance, I ‘accidentally’ reveal personal weaknesses for them to discover and take advantage of. Or I would throw them off course by blurting out my plans for the future, and see if it affects what they do. The best thing of course would be to just ignore the whole thing, focus on achieving something that matters most to you, and minimizing the effects of dangerous competitors.

Guilt Trippers

I find this to be the most difficult dangerous people trait to detect. Guilt Trippers knowingly or unknowingly prey on your emotions. They will harness the power of guilt to get you to do things you wouldn’t normally do. For instance, those with spurned relationships will use guilt to get back together: “He hasn’t been eating and sleeping ever since you left him.” Or kids use this against their parents “Because you didn’t buy me those new Nikes our team lost the basketball game” When this happens, you need to be aware that this is some sort of passive-aggressive behavior intended to manipulate you into doing something that is against your own self-interest.

It is tricky to deal with because if you don’t appear sympathetic, you will be labeled as the cold, unfeeling, bad guy. But there are times where for your own good, and for the good of the guilt tripper, you just have to be the bad guy and call guilt for what it is – the most useless emotion.

Authority Figures

I believe the people who do the most damage are the authority figures that we are conditioned to follow and believe in. For example, my parents are very well-meaning and have taught me a lot of good things. But they have also taught me a lot of wrong things, things I accepted as solid truth when I was a kid, only to realize later that they were not either obsolete or just wrong.

A lot of people listen and follow their parish priests, teachers, bosses, CEOs, Donald Trump, The Dalai Lama, etc. We respect them and don’t believe they could ever make a mistake since they are a bastion of wisdom. Let me break your bubble. Many times they are wrong. Or they could be right for the majority of the population, but not right for you. The most dangerous thing is blindly accepting these authority figures. Being too lazy to verify and do your own research.

Now for some good news. There’s a wealth of information out there that you can use to your advantage – the internet, books, radio. They are your defense so you don’t get misled by these dangerous people. By becoming more aware, and becoming more knowledgeable, you can more easily tune out the bad stuff, and tune in to the good stuff.

Effective Starbucks 101

2006-08-04T18:59:00.000-07:00

Billy Joel once wrote "I don't want clever conversation. I never want to work that hard. I just want someone that I can talk to. I want you just the way you are." That sums up in a nutshell what I like the most about a quiet starbucks session with friends and other interesting people.

You can choose to talk over dinner, but the food and eating gets in the way. You can go out for a movie, but while it's playing there's nothing else to do but sit and watch. Sitting in a quiet coffee shop will always be the best place to really listen and talk to someone. The place is relatively free of distractions. The coffee has to cool, there's no rush, no time limit (other than closing time), and the conversation takes place front and center.

I'd like to share with you some of my tips for an effective and memorable starbucks session.

1. Have the right cast of characters

My ideal group is four people. And these four would fit in one of the following roles: One alpha person who usually has strong opinions and dominates the conversation, one contra individual who usually has a different take on the world and thinks much differently than anyone else, one quiet guy who usually agrees with everyone and laughs when prompted to, and a moderator or narrator who usually frames the conversation and keeps things in order. I choose four people because that fits nicely in a small table, and it is large enough to have all the pieces. Of course, you could have fewer or more, as long as you have the right balance of strong/contra/frodo/groupie.

Depending on the group I'm with in a starbucks session, I usually assume the role of whatever is lacking. For instance, if it is already clear who the alpha person is, but no contra person steps up, then I will assume the contra role. Most often I find myself as the moderator character, and it is also the role I am most comfortable in. I love radio and tv talk shows and I always observe how the host or interview strives to get the most interesting reactions and answers from his guests. My goal is to derive the maximum entertainment value with a given group.

The contra guy will debate the alpha person. The moderator keeps things in order and moves the discussion to more interesting topics when necessary. The quiet guy is the laugh track, the audience, this is the person that the alpha and contra are trying to convince that they are right.

2. Select a small table.

Frequently I'll go to starbucks with a group of friends, and they will immediately go for the 'couch area' because it has the most comfortable seats. This is the section I hate the most and I find it least conducive to conversation. Why? Because you are seated too far away from everyone else. You have to raise your voice to be heard. The sofa is relaxing so you just want to lay down and relax, sip your frappucino and not talk. Avoid the couch at all costs.

My preferred area is a small table, one that can barely fit four small plates. I want to see the faces of the people I'm with. See their reactions close up. Plus, you don't have to strain to hear them when they make an important relevation that they are in tears when they say it.

3. Buy appropriate refreshments.

Most people complain about the prohibitive cost of starbucks. Yes it is kind of pricey. That's why I only get the regular coffee. Almost everyone I know will automatically get the iced frappucino or hot mocha super drink that costs twice or even three times as much. By settling for a plain coffee, I don't get distracted by the super drink, and I get to save my cash. Well actually I don't because I end up splurging on starbucks food such as waffles, cookies, and other coffee-related accessories.

The other advantage with a hot coffee is that it takes time to cool down before drinking. With an iced frappucino, you can drink it right away and it distracts you. A coffee teaches me to be patient, pay attention to what the other person is saying.

4. Play devil's advocate or play dumb.

Most of my friends know my tendency to play devil's advocate just to keep a conversation more 'interesting'. A group that agrees with each other tends to get bored and adjourn quickly. So when someone makes an interesting point, you usually have to ask her 'why'. Or 'What makes you say that? Why do you think Yoga is the path to true enlightenment?'

You can also play the part of the jerk, the belligerent guy who is extremely ignorant and wrong, that you have to set straight. There are times when you have to play the villain, then in a sudden twist just as everyone is finishing their coffee, you see the 'light', and the good guys win again! Everyone goes home happy.

Another technique is to play dumb. "Who is this Avril Lavigne you speak of? What makes her music so great?" You actually do this when you want others in the table to know more about what this guy is explaining. It is done to emphasize a point and you play the student who asks the dumb questions that everyone is afraid to ask.

A warning though, before you try any of these techniques, make sure you know the people you're with first. I tried some of them with some new people who don't know me as well, and I bet they think I'm either a dumb duck or a true devil.

5. Do unexpected reactions

One way to keep things lively and interesting is to show an entirely unexpected reaction. For instance, one person may be telling her life story to you, so you just nod your head. But when she comes to an important part, you do an unexpected reaction like pounding the table, or exclaiming "whoa". Something that will get their attention. It keeps things less boring and encourages them to tell more of the story. The objective is to get as much story as possible, together with all the little details and nuances that makes stories great.

6. Have a reserve set of topics

Initially, people you don't know as well will not open up (there are also those who will never open up no matter what, you should eliminate them from your starbucks group). My technique for encouraging people to share their deepest stories and darkest opinions, is to start with some light but fun topics.

I like doing the 'top 5' bit. Ask people what their top 5 restaurants of all time are, or what their most favorite age was, something that gets them thinking. I remember a scene in the movie Turbulence where the bad guy, Ray Liotta would ask the hapless flight attendance "What's your favorite movie?" which I find very funny because I can imagine myself like a desperate Ray Liotta doing corny surveys just to get people talking.

I'll also do riskier topics which is sure to get a heated debate. Most people avoid discussing these but I love 'em because everyone gets so emotional talking about them. These topics are - religion, politics, sexual and physical preferences, money, and health. My favorite line of all time is a simple one: "Are ye happy, son (or daughter)?" and you have to ask this with a straight face. Watch closely their reaction and what they say, because it reveals a lot.

7. Listen closely

The rule is simple: Talk only when you need to keep things moving. When things are going smoothly and conversation is plentiful, just keep quiet and listen. You are there to learn about what makes other people function, what their deepest desires and frustrations are. And the only way you will find out is by listening intently.

This means you have to ignore your cellphone, put down the newspaper, stop looking around at the other coffee shop customers and put your full focus on the table group that is in front of you. You'll find it's the best experience anyone can ever have.

Coffee anyone?

Rules of Nostalgia

2006-07-26T00:50:00.000-07:00

The following are the rules governing all feelings of nostalgia:

1. The good parts are remembered, the bad parts are overlooked

I tend to look back fondly on the "good ol' days". My brain is wired to remember vividly all the good things, while at the same time glossing over the bad things. I'll remember the time our team actually won a basketball game, or spending an overnight Christmas party with the rest of the guys at Roehl's house. But I'll conveniently forget the numerous times I crammed for a test on a course I didn't care for. Or how I had to get up at 6am to be able to catch a bus to school.

We also hear people say things like "It was much safer back then", or "people were much more polite in the old days". But it's strange that the good ol' days of the past included a great depression, two world wars, several region conflicts, and increasing prospects for nuclear holocaust. I'd say things are actually much better now than before.

2. The 'Greatest Hits' Illusion

My mother would often say to me that the sixties was the greatest era for music. And that much of music nowadays consists of noise. Which is funny because I say the same thing, except for me the best musical era was the eighties. Why do the old songs always sound better than the new ones you hear on radio? It's because of what I call the 'greatest hits' illusion. Only the best songs from the past survive and live on up to the present time. The oldies that are still being played today are the cream of the crop, the absolute studs of their time. No wonder they sound so good. And when you compare it to the present crop of songs, many of them not good enough to be remembered several years from now, the oldies will always win out. It's not even a fair competition - the best of the past versus a bunch of average present day songs.

3. Some eras are better than others

This is a corollary to the previous rule. When I said that the oldies always win out, this is not entirely accurate. Because some eras are better than others. For instance, the sixties was a truly golden age of music. You had many all-time greats such as The Beatles, Elvis, The Beach Boys, Herman's Hermits, etc. By contrast, the seventies, in final analysis, wasn't really that great. Sure it had a lot of great bands, but all of them paled when compared to the sixties jocks.

Similarly, the eighties was another golden era, it was like a musical reawakening, with the audio merging with video, giving artists greater recognition. The nineties was slow in terms of music, but great for the digital information age (after all, this was when the internet first clicked). The challenge is trying to find what the strengths of the current era you are in now and savor it while it is there.

4. 'Things' are colored by memorable events

An inanimate object from the past has special meaning when combined with the memory of a past event. For instance, I look back fondly on the first CAKE CD I ever bought. It was back in 1996, I had to order it from a specialty music store, wait several months for them to get it from the US, then check back to the store to claim the CD (paying a hefty price tag too). The experience is memorable to me as it represents a musical reawakening. And that makes the CD object much more valuable than what it is worth today.

I also remember the last time Roehl, Crab and I visited our college. It was so different, yet the same. The value of visiting the old buildings, eating at the old cafeteria was much more exhilerating as it brought back memories of old events. In this way, nostalgia becomes more solid, concrete in the minds of the person experiencing it.

5. Sometimes you know the present time will be a future nostalgic memory.

This is a bit odd and I'm not sure if I'm the only one who has realized this. There were actually times when I was experiencing something currently happening, and somehow knew that this would be a magical event that I would look back on in the future.

One example, during 1999, this was the time Max, myself and several other guys (we had the regular cast, and a revolving set of 'guests') would go out after work, usually on a Friday, and just have a great time. It was a very intense period as the company we worked for was going through a very turbulent upheaval, lots of office politics, infighting, and emotions, which was in a sense, thrilling. Jeth had a not-so-secret crush on a female co-worker, and I guess I was also in love, er infatuated with someone at the time, which only added to the excitement. I remember thinking to myself as these events were happening that this was truly a magical time that we were all going through. And that we would look back on this with a certain fondness a couple of years from now.

I was right of course. I still consider it one of my high points (Max would argue otherwise as he said he was bored during that time, hehehe). It was the first time I was self-aware of a nostalgic event that was happening in the present. It would be fantastic if I identified this current time, circa 2006, as a potential future nostalgic time I will look back on.

6. Nostalgia periodically reinvents itself

Ever hear a good song on the radio that you thought was new, then finding out it was actually a remake of an older classic? My theory is that the present and future is ripe for repackaging the old stuff and selling it to unsuspecting younger generations who have never heard it before. Kids today probably don't know who Herman's Hermits are, or are only vaguely aware of the Dave Clark 5.

It's the same with nostalgia. You try to remember your thoughts and emotions a decade ago and try to recapture that same feeling in the present. You might be surprised with how much of the old stuff actually relates to the current time. For instance, it's the year 2006 now, but oddly I find many similiarites between this year, and ten years ago dating back to 1996. It's like reliving the nostalgia, only with different people and circumstances, plus being older and wiser by ten years helps me not to make the same mistakes as I did back then. And try to relax and enjoy it more than I did when I was younger.

7. There will nostalgia killjoys

I always run into people who actually don't have much nostalgia for the past. Perhaps they have had past experiences they would like to forget. Or they didn't like themselves back then, and try to bury that part of their life. It's those type of people who back in the nineties would say "Come on, get with the nineties!" (not sure how they would say it now, maybe "Come on, get with the new millenium" or something like that). There are also the soulless zombie types who don't seem to have any memories, they just go through life doing what they are told, without any concept of where they came from, or what they are doing now.

I try to ignore these nostalgia killjoys, because I find them depressing and it saps me of my energy. Don't be ashamed about having fond memories of the past. Because they were a crucial part of what you are today.

Now you know the rules of nostalgia. I could probably add a few more, which I might do in a future post.

Happiness 101: Artificial Happiness

2006-07-09T18:37:00.000-07:00

I recently watched a fascinating talk on TV given by Ronald Dworkin, author of the book 'Artificial Happiness'. In this talk, he describes how in today's society, true happiness is gradually being replaced by artificial forms of happiness.

In the olden days, as in pre-1910, doctors were closer to their patients. The primary practitioners of that era needed to be a master of all medical trades, they listened to their patient's personal problems, and frequently helped them both by prescribing medical cures and helping them feel better by listening and talking to them directly. Then this century a shift occured. Primary practitioners became more specialized, becoming less doctor and more engineer. The doctor - patient relationship became more cold, unfeeling. Then something unfortunate happened, 'unhappiness' got diagnosed as a disease that was cured just like any other illness. Doctors started prescribing anti-depressants, prozac, zoloft, to their patients at the slightest hint of unhappiness. Each patient wanted to be "happy", and here was the cure in pill form. Take a pill or drug, and feel happier with ease.

However, there was a big problem with this artificial happiness mentality. He gave an example of a woman in a bad relationship. Although she was unhappy in the relationship (she wanted to get married to her boyfriend, but he didn't seem to be the marrying kind), she nursed the feeling with prozac, and immediately felt better. So she continued the relationship for more than a year, although it felt like a dead-end. But she felt fine because of prozac. After a prolonged period of artificial happiness, she finally felt she could no longer go on with the relationship and broke it off. Had she not nursed her unhappiness in the first place, she probably would have ended it right away, but with the influence of antidepressants, she managed to waste a year of her life in a dead end relationship.

The author also goes on to describe how medicating unhappiness through obsessive fitness and exercise, as well as medicating it through fanatical adherence to organized religion is counterproductive as well. We want to believe that the roots of our depression can be cured by joining this religion, or going on a dedicated fitness program, when it actually only masks the problem. I know people who have gone on fitness binges, or turned to born-again Christianity as a result of a fairly traumatic experience. While this cures the problem temporarily, its long term effect is that you never achieve true happiness, instead always relying on quick fixes. Worse, you never address the roots of the unhappiness in the first place.

Same goes for people who resort to drinking, or other escapes from their current state. They go on shopping binges, or resort to other addictions or keep themselves busy to try to escape how they are really feeling deep inside. We feel guilty and worried when we are not happy and want a cure, right at this moment, because it's not normal.

The lesson of this is that depression and unhappiness has a purpose. It pushes us towards addressing the roots of this unhappiness by making changes and adjustments in our lives. By not resorting to quick fixes such as antidepressants, organized religion, or obsessive exercise, we learn to face the root of our problems head on. This can be a powerful force in changing our lives for the better.

It is important to be honest with ourselves and face the true reasons for how we feel. If I am unhappy with my relationship or marriage, perhaps the best cure is to end it. If I am unhappy with my job, no quick fix will be better than getting a new job I will be happier with. If I am depressed because of my weight, or because of how I feel when I get up in the morning, by all means, the best way to remove that feeling is to do something about it. We no longer resort to artificial forms of happiness but instead go for the real thing.

A side note - this is not to belittle the impact of true depression, the clinical kind. Of course this must be treated with medication as the results are more serious. But for most kinds of unhappiness, those nagging feelings we get every day, it is always better to seek the real cure and avoid quick fixes.

From my personal experience, those times when I was most unhappy, or most depressed turned out to be great turning points as it forced me to be honest with myself, and propelled me to do things I would never have done had I always been happy and content. Depression and happiness are powerful forces of change that force us to get our act together and make great strides towards good. I'm thankful that I was depressed because if I weren't, then maybe today I wouldn't be as happy.

A Theory of Friends

2006-07-06T02:24:00.000-07:00

I have a theory of friends. It goes like this: With the right group of people, it doesn't matter which restaurant you eat, or where you hang out. Wherever you go will be a great time. With a mismatched set of people, you can go to the fanciest restaurants and the best coffeeshops and bars, but it won't help a bit.

I remember back in the late 90's, I went out with a group of guys from the office one Friday night. We went to StreetLife Glorietta, Makati, a popular yuppie hangout where you can order food, drink beer, and watch a live band. Although I liked those guys, it just wasn't working out. We were boring each other. Our group was mutually incompatible with each other.

We tried to "fix" it by going to another place, the local starbucks, where we had coffee and tried to start up some stimulating conversation. But it wasn't going anywhere. In a desperate ploy to salvage the night, one of us suggested we stoppover at this street food stall before going home. Didn't work either. I went home feeling empty and sorry that the night was lame.

Contrast that to a night spent with a group of close friends. We stayed at this Burger King which had unlimited drink refills. We stayed there for four hours, I consumed a record number 6 orange carbonated soda. That night was a blast! We talked about all sorts of things. Life, problems, work, past, future, which type of burger was the best, etc.

The place is unimportant, it is the people you are with that matters.

There are many things I still can't figure out regarding my theory of friends. Why is it that some people you want to be friends with just don't work out. It could be that you are incompatible, or that there is a lack of respect or trust, or just something missing. No magic. But you meet a new person for the first time and instantly you know you can be friends with that person. And usually those friendships last a lifetime.

I have been extremely fortunate to meet the right friends at crucial points in my life. Lifelong friends. My problem is not expending enough effort to keep in touch with them. Call it laziness or overconfidence, but I really need to invest more time and effort to keep the friendships going. There's probably something more to this theory, but I haven't figured it out yet.

Time

2006-07-03T03:44:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, time meant nothing to me. I had lots of it. And it felt like I had an unlimited supply. After all, my whole life was ahead of me. I would waste whole afternoons, sometimes whole days, doing absolutely nothing. Daydreaming maybe, or waiting for my favorite cartoon, or counting the days till Christmas. Days and months were long and plentiful.

As I got older, the days became shorter. Christmases came one after another at a rapid pace. The years went by faster. I became more aware of the importance of time. Soon, time became more important than money itself. I jealously regarded my time as a precious commodity.

Knowing that my time was limited, I started rationing it out so that I could use it more wisely. My friends and I realized that our time was very limited. On those days we could be together in one place, we tried to extend and enjoy those instances to the fullest. We knew that the time would come that through circumstances, we would be separated one way or another (which did happen), so there was always this sense of urgency. The ties that bond us together were the respect and importance we gave to our being together, making the most of it while it lasted. In the sense, we stopped wasting time, especially each other's time.

Lately I've become sort of a time miser. A very disagreeable and irritable person to be with. Losing time is as bad or even worse than losing cash. A lost afternoon, or spending several hours on some non-fun activity is especially bad. A bad movie is even worse as you waste both time and money, it's 2 hours and x amount of cash you will never back back. One time I made the mistake of getting suckered into helping a co-worker transport an aquarium from one house to another, which took up my whole saturday. I still cringe when I think of that day I will never get back, a day I could have spent selfishly on myself.

Younger people (and also a lot of older people) don't yet realize the importance of time. They let it pass them by, spending it on matters that are neither important, nor pleasurable to them. A whole life passes by without a second thought or conscious effort to spend it on things you value the most. You end up spending your time on what others feel is important to them, rather than what is important to you. Or you spend it staring at the tv, or long hours in unproductive work, or just idling by waiting for the next day, or the next weekend, or the next year, or the next decade...

sir ed lucero

2006-06-10T16:06:00.000-07:00

in england, you have to first be knighted before you can append the honorific “sir” at the beginning of your name. here in the philippines, you can simply be a teacher to earn the same distinction.

and so goes my opening salvo as i introduce one of the most influential teachers in my life: sir ed lucero. it’s ironic that he became one of the most influential, if not the most influential among all my teachers in over 15 years of education as i was present in his class only half the time. but even long after i’ve graduated and earned my bachelor’s degree, i still visit my school once in a while in order to learn more through enlightening conversations with him. he is the morrie (“tuesdays with morrie”) to my mitch albom.

sir ed has always been a highly controversial teacher. a rebel WITH a worthy cause. you either love him like you would your best friend as you are blest to see that what he’s doing is not for his own benefit but for the welfare of the entire society. or you can hate him like you would your worst enemy as you think he’s a showoff. either way, he’s gonna leave his mark on you – the way teachers are supposed to do when practicing their sacred profession.

sir ed’s course is religion. and being a catholic teaching in catholic schools (some part-time), he teaches the catholic religion. his syllabus includes visiting the sick in public/government hospitals, comforting prisoners locked up in city jails, and spreading the word of god to the poor people in depressed areas by playing basketball with them, eating meals with them, sharing one’s wealth, time and energy with them, and having good conversations with them. this was (and still is) done in the spirit of “the final judgment” (Mt 25:31-46)

(the following is an excerpt of the above mentioned biblical passage taken from the king james version -- http://www.blueletterbible.org/kjv/Mat/Mat025.html :
Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me. Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed [thee]? or thirsty, and gave [thee] drink? When saw we thee a stranger, and took [thee] in? or naked, and clothed [thee]? Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee? And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done [it] unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done [it] unto me.
Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels: For I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not. Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee? Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did [it] not to one of the least of these, ye did [it] not to me.)

sir ed’s written tests are questions based on inspirational readings that he asks the class to photocopy. he has no official textbook.

as a student, i found his class one of the easiest to pass. this is because even if you fail his written tests (which i usually do) or not attend the community activities he organizes, you would still be given more than the passing mark. even those students he has slighted or those who bear a grudge against him (god knows there are many as sir ed speaks the truth, and the truth sometimes hurt) are in no danger of failing. so if you still can’t sit down, enjoy and appreciate sir ed’s class with his lax requirements, and take his words like a man (or like a lady depending on which gender you belong to), then you don’t know the true value of real education.

sir ed is a man who has humbled himself by insisting on staying in a low paying job like teaching when he is better off being president and leading the country out of its self-inflicted misery. once, he did run for public office in his local barangay without the help of huge funding. but he really never stood a chance of winning as, the misunderstood aggressive person that he is, the people only see the braggart in him and fail to notice the helping hand he is extending. after all, who, nowadays would give and offer help without seeking something in return?

a lot of people find sir ed intimidating. but that’s because most are unwilling to accept the truth when it’s put right in front of their faces.

once, he knowingly chastised me with one of his favorite sayings: “only REAL MEN don’t masturbate”. guilty as i was, i had nothing to do but accept his time-honored anecdote with a sheepish reply: “in that case, i’m not a real man”. we had a good laugh and our meaningful and truthful conversation continued as my education progressed even further.

Hindsight

2006-06-07T23:33:00.000-07:00

There's a popular saying that goes "Hindsight is 20/20". Now I'm not absolutely sure what it means, but I'm guessing it refers to the fact that you will never really know whether a decision or move you made in the past will turn out to be a good one or bad one until the payoff occurs.

For instance, when the Chicago Bulls drafted this player named Michael Jordan back in 1985, they had no idea whether he would turn out to be a good or bad pick. He could have had a career-ending injury in his sophomore year and most of the pundits would call it a "bad pick". Or Jordan may not have been equipped with the desire to be a champion, and stopped improving his play after five seasons. It is extremely hard to predict whether any decision you make today will turn out to be a good one, five, ten years from now.

I have flashes when I regret some past decisions, then later on realize that they turned out to be good ones, and vice versa. For instance, I always wonder what would have happened to me had I not skipped a year of schooling in grade 6. I got along better with the guys back there, Darby, Gene & co. So if I had stayed behind, those would have probably developed into lifelong friendships. Yet had I not left, I wouldn't have met this entirely different batch of people who had a great influence on my life. Hindsight, they say is 20/20.

There is also this pattern when I initially think I made a good move, then it turns out to be bad, and I regret it. But years later I find out it actually had a good result. Now I wonder if some more years later I will find out it actually wasn't a good decision in the first place. Who knows? Or perhaps I credit too much impact on decisions made in the distant past, when in actuality, our destiny lies on the many little decisions we make in the present and future.

the pursuit of happiness

2006-05-23T01:55:00.000-07:00

fellow community blogger rob’s post “Happiness 101” reminded me of an 80’s band called “the pursuit of happiness” and their lone nu107 hit “she’s so young”. the song lyrics is something worth recalling:

………
she’s so young – the pursuit of happiness

as much as she’d like to believe
she’s leading a brand new wave
that uniform that she wears
i see on the street every day
she looks heavenward
and struggles to find the right cliché
you’ve got to find your own space
have a nice day

she’s so young
she’s got the answers
she doesn’t need to question herself like i do
she’s so young
she’s got the answers
she doesn’t need to question the world like i do

like the wisdom of ages
will flow from her tongue
this is the delusion of the young
she says she’ll lead with her heart
but her heart really doesn’t know at all
i’ll get no satisfaction
out of seeing her fall

she’s so young
she’s got the answers
she doesn’t need to question herself like i do
she’s so young
she’s got the answers
she doesn’t need to question her life like i do

she’s so young
she’s got the answers
she doesn’t need to question herself like i do
she’s so young
she’s got the answers
she doesn’t need to question the world like i do
………

like the young individual referred to in the song, the younger version of myself also seemed to possess the answers to everything – happiness included. to generalize (albeit hastily) even further, younger people tend to be more happy than older people.

so does this mean that as we grow older, when we supposedly have gained more knowledge about life, we lose or maybe forget the keys to happiness? and thus give more truth to the adage, “ignorance is bliss”?

my theory is that when we were young, we were sure of the little things that would make us happy – maybe eating an ice cream, playing a favorite toy or a trip to the zoo. and our limited knowledge of the world did little to distract us from the simple, shallow things that made us feel good. as we grew older, we began to see more of the things that made other people happy – it may be a sleeker car, a bigger house, a better cell phone, a higher paying job, an office with a view, or maybe a hotter looking girlfriend, just to name a few of the things that prove too tempting for most of us to pass up. these things by themselves are not bad until we begin to think they are necessary to make us happy.

i think it is the endless need and desire of possessing more and more material things that causes our unhappy and miserable state. we are all so caught up with the acquisition of money and material possessions, and add to that the constant craving for such abstract concepts as fame, power and glory that we fail to recognize we are better off sticking to the simple and shallow things (and events) that make us feel good.

we must think back to that one true and untainted era in our lives when simplicity equated happiness, recapture it, and then get rid of all the excess baggage we’ve accumulated through the years. we must cleanse ourselves of all useless things that serve nothing but to increase the heavy burden of our daily load so that we might travel light and perhaps regain that long missing spring in our step.

remember, shallowness is the unpopular basis for happiness. we go deep and we start drowning in misery.

Happiness 101

2006-05-16T02:56:00.000-07:00

(This will be a multi-parter on the topic concerning the happiness state of mind. These reflect my thoughts on the subject as I continue to learn more about life. Feel free to comment.)

Back when I was a kid, I didn't really think in terms of happy or sad. I can safely say I was neither happy nor sad. I mean, I would cry because I wanted ice cream, or because I wet the bed, or something like that. But that wasn't really sadness, just discomfort.

I don't think I was happy either. I remember the first time I went to a fancy restaurant during the family reunion. I guess I might have been happy, but perhaps I was really just excited at the prospect of experiencing something new for the first time. Ah, I guess I was happy during Christmas, all kids are. But then again maybe it was just excitement - the thrill of encountering something new and rare.

Come to think of it, I probably was pretty depressed. I hated not being in control of the situation, being told what to do by teachers and other grownups. I remember the dread of the last day of summer and the prospect of going back to school. I hated that feeling, I guess it made me sad.

As we grow older, we become more aware of our own emotional state. We grasp more firmly what happiness and unhappiness is. So when we lose a friend, or when we disappoint our parents, we become more unhappy - and also more aware of it. When we get accepted by our peers or when we know summer vacation is next week, we become more happy - and we also realize that we are happy.

As we grow even older, we get paranoid at the prospect of unhappiness. We fear a lot of stuff that can happen that will make us sad. We may lose a job, or be separated from a friend, or end up alone and lonely. There are so many things that can make us unhappy and we consciously try to avoid them.

I've gone around asking different people what it is that will make them happy. What it is they really want to do in life. And here's the surprise, we know what will make us unhappy, but we really don't know what will make us happy.

For instance, one person said buying his own house and lot will make him happy. I quizzed him further, "how will that make you happy?" Then he said "Well, having a house and lot means that I've accomplished something in my life."

Then I asked him "OK so say you do have the house and lot in your possesion, then what?" And the question drew a blank stare. He didn't know what to do. The truth is he really had no idea what it took for him to be happy. You've got your house, you made your accomplishments, now what, junior?

Some of you may be thinking, OK wise guy, you seem to know all the answers, what does it take to make you happy?

So I don't know, myself. In fact you won't know what makes you happy because there really is no such thing as happiness. Happiness is an utopian goal that doesn't exist, a made up fairy tale that is passed on from generation to generation. You couldn't be happy even if you tried.

So what do you aim for? Personally, I like Guy Kawasaki's tip in his "Hindsight" commencement address to Palo Alto high school:

Pursue joy, not happiness

"Take my word for it, happiness is temporary and fleeting. Joy, by contrast, is unpredictable. It comes from pursuing interests and passions that do not obviously result in happiness."

If we pursued joy as an objective, it would be like going back to childhood. Enjoying that first visit to McDonald's, or excitedly opening that new toy. Joy would be the result of all those little random things we encounter every day and a lot of unexpected events that happen when we aren't aware.

Each person derives joy from an entirely different source. Me for instance, I remember peaks of joy when I was intensely into something, whether it was a computer game, or personal project, or being in love, or even just preoccupied with a major event happening in the present. That for me is pure joy and I'm still trying to figure out how to recreate it day by day. The trick is discovering what works for you.

This in a nutshell, is what I think happiness (joy) really is.

Next part, I'll comment on the flip side of happiness - depression, poor mental hygiene, and worry.

Singularity

2006-05-14T20:04:00.000-07:00

"Sometime in the next few years or decades, humanity will become capable of surpassing the upper limit on intelligence that has held since the rise of the human species. We will become capable of technologically creating smarter-than-human intelligence, perhaps through enhancement of the human brain, direct links between computers and the brain, or Artificial Intelligence. This event is called the "Singularity" by analogy with the singularity at the center of a black hole - just as our current model of physics breaks down when it attempts to describe the center of a black hole, our model of the future breaks down once the future contains smarter-than-human minds. Since technology is the product of cognition, the Singularity is an effect that snowballs once it occurs - the first smart minds can create smarter minds, and smarter minds can produce still smarter minds."

—Singularity Institute for Artificial Intelligence

I'm not entirely convinced that this will happen. But if you're interested, check out The Great Singularity Debate.

Procrastination

2006-05-11T02:19:00.000-07:00

Yes, I've been pretty lazy lately. Got several interesting article ideas, but I just lack the discipline to sit down and write the damn things. So I think this old song pretty sums up my thought processes this past week. Heck I think this explains what I've been going through the last few years. Endless procrastination, not getting any younger, waiting for things to change, yet not really doing anything about it. Things get more futile with each passing hour. And I keep telling myself over and over again, this is the day...

This is the Day
by The The

Well... you didn't wake up this morning,
Cause you didn't go to bed.
You were watching the whites of your eyes turn red!
The calendar on your wall -- IS TICKING -- the days off.
You've been reading some old letters.
You smile and think how much you've changed.
All the money in the world couldn't buy back those days.
You pull back the curtains, and the sun burns into your eyes.

You watch a plane flying across a clear blue sky.
THIS IS THE DAY -- Your life will surely change.
THIS IS THE DAY -- When things fall into place.

You could've done anything, if you'd wanted.
And all your friends and family think that you're lucky.
But the side of you they'll never see
Is when you're left alone with the memories
That hold your life together like -- GLUE
You pull back the curtains, and the sun burns into your eyes.
You watch a plane flying across a clear blue sky.

THIS IS THE DAY -- Your life will surely change.
THIS IS THE DAY -- When things fall into place.
THIS IS THE DAY -- Your life will surely change.

Conflicts and Stages

2006-05-08T00:55:00.000-07:00

"The psychologist Erik Erikson even proposes a theory of the psychological stages of development. A fundamental conflict characterizes each phase. When this conflict is correctly resolved, we move on to the next phase. If this conflict is not resolved, it may fester and even cause regression to an earlier period. Similarly, the psychologist Jean Piaget showed that early childhood mental development is also not a smooth process of learning, but is actually typified by abrupt stages in a child's ability to conceptualize. One month, a child may give up looking for a ball once it has rolled out of view, not understanding that an object exists even if you can no longer see it. The next month, this is obvious to the child.

This is the essence of dialectics. According to this philosophy, all objects (people, gases, the universe itself) go through a series of stages. Each stage is characterized by a conflict between two opposing forces. The nature of this conflict, in fact, determines the nature of the stage. When the conflict is resolved, the object goes to a higher stage, called the synthesis, where a new contradiction begins, and the process starts over again at a higher level."

- From 'Hyperspace' by Michio Kaku

Truth and Simplicity

2006-05-02T01:32:00.000-07:00

Physicist Richard Feynman:

"You can recognize truth by its beauty and simplicity. When you get it right, it is obvious that it is right, at least if you have any experience, because usually what happens is that more comes out than goes in... The inexperienced, the crackpots, and people like that, make guesses that are simple, but you can immediately see that they are wrong, so that does not count. Others, the inexperienced students, make guesses that are very complicated, and it sort of looks as if it is all right, but I know it is not true because the truth always turns out to be simpler than you thought."

Terminal Lesson

2006-04-25T19:56:00.000-07:00

Fans of the Wheel of Time series will be distressed to learn that Robert Jordan has been diagnosed with an extremely rare disease. Doctors have given him around four years to live based on the median life expectancy of the illness. Here's what Jordan said regarding his condition:

"In any case, I intend to live considerably longer than that. Everybody knows or has heard of someone who was told they had five years to live, only that was twenty years ago and here they guy is, still around and kicking. I mean to beat him. I sat down and figured out how long it would take me to write all of the books I currently have in mind, without adding anything new and without trying rush anything. The figure I came up with was thirty years. Now, I'm fifty-seven, so anyone my age hoping for another thirty years is asking for a fair bit, but I don't care. That is my minimum goal. I am going to finish those books, all of them, and that is that."

Man, I really admire that guy. Despite having a terminal illness, he still remains dedicated to doing his life's work and finishing writing his books. There's a lesson there somewhere but I can't put my finger on it.

I guess if you knew that you had a limited time on earth, you would enjoy life more. Savor every experience. Not complain as much about the minor irritations. Love your work, friends, and family more.

In fact, why wait?

How to be Lucky

2006-04-18T02:43:00.000-07:00

From The loser's guide to getting lucky:

"Unlucky people are generally more tense than lucky people, and this anxiety disrupts their ability to notice the unexpected. As a result, they miss opportunities because they are too focused on looking for something else."

Why I Like Pro Wrestling

2006-04-14T16:30:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make. I watch professional wrestling on TV. In fact, not only do I watch it, I love it. Here's why.

The bad guys sometimes win. When I was a kid, my favorite tag team wrestlers on All-Star Wrestling were the pretty boy do-goodies Tony Garrea and Rick Martel. The fans cheered for them. They were athletic and had good moves. I thought they were the greatest tag team in the world. And they were the champs. Life was good.

Then they faced the team of Professor Saito and Mr. Fuji. These were bad guys who did all sorts of illegal double teaming when the referee's back was turned. They were hated by the fans. They were not very athletic, used illegal weapons, and were clearly inferior to my fave team, the champs Tony Garrea and Rick Martel. But one night, Saito and Fuji waited for a time when the referee wasn't looking, used an illegal weapon, and won the match against my favorite tag team to win the belts. I was angry, sad and frustrated. "But they cheated!".

So I resolved to myself that Tony Garrea and Rick Martel had to win back the belts since after all, they were the good guys, and the good guys always win in the end right? Unfortunately, pro wrestling didn't work this way. You see, in pro wrestling, sometimes the bad guys win. And sometimes the good guys never gets back. This is how it also works in real life.

The best storylines are based on reality. The late 90's WWF and WCW were known for its wacky wrestling personas and crazy angles. Just imagine an evil wrestling clown, or a dead man wrestler accompanied by his mortician, or having a wrestling garbageman in the ring. You've got wrestlers feuding with each other over a casket, or one wrestler being afraid of snakes, or even fighting each other over who is the rightful King. Though these storylines are all entertaining and amusing over a short period of time, I find that the best wrestling scripts are the ones that are based on reality. These are the wrestling angles that have a touch of reality in them that make them more interesting to watch.

Take for instance the NWO invasion angle of the WCW. The storyline starts with some former WWF wrestlers Kevin Nash and Scott Hall, using their real names, invading WCW. You have announcers shouting over the microphone "Who are you guys? You shouldn't be here!" And I remember how cool it was at the time because it felt so real, like watching something that could totally happen. And you tuned in every week to see what unpredictable thing would happen next.

Or if you remember, there was a great feud between Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels where each wrestler would give great shoot speeches against each other. A shoot speech is one where a wrestler breaks character and acts like he would in real life. It is so refreshingly honest, yet you know it is still part of the script. And you understand that like in real life, honesty has a power of its own which you can harness and utilize for a greater good.

Heel turns or Face turns happen. A 'heel' is another word for bad guy, someone who is generally hated by the fans. A 'face' is a term used to describe a good guy, someone who is generally loved by the fans. My favorite event in wrestling is the heel turn - when a good guy turns into a bad guy.

Heel turns are great because you see the drastic change in the character of the formerly good guy. He stops caring how the fans think of them, he does everything he can in order to win. He starts getting more ruthless, starts breaking the rules a bit, develops that swagger that makes him a better wrestler. As I got older I started liking the heels more and more. They were cocky, but confident, and didn't care what anyone thought about them. And sometimes in life you've got to stop playing the part of the good guy, and start being more heelish if you want to get good results.

Face turns are also good but not as fun as heel turns. The best face turn occurs when the heel gets over (i.e. more popular) with the fans, and the people start cheering him even though he's a bad guy. One example would be Stone Cold Steve Austin. He told people exactly how he thought, good or bad, and he was one bad S.O.B., yet the fans loved him. I think eventually if you don't care what people think about you, you will be more cheered for and admired in the end. Go figure.

The best wrestler personas are based on reality. One of my favorite wrestlers of all time is The Excellence of Execution, Bret Hitman Hart. One of the best technical wrestlers of all time, extremely good in interviews, and could carry a storyline all the way to its conclusion where you totally believe in the reality of it. And the best thing about Bret Hart is I think his persona is not an act. He is, in fact, the Excellence of Execution, the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be.

Another favorite wrestler of mine was Mr. Perfect. The guy was... perfect. He did everything well. Whether it was ping pong, or basketball, or tennis. He had this totally cool arrogant persona, chewing gum, then spitting it out and flipping it to the crowd. He finished off his opponents with the Perfectplex which was impossible to kick out of. The reason why the gimick worked was because Mr. Perfect Curt Hennig the person was more or less like his wrestling character.

Same would go for my other faves, Sycho Sid (psychotic wrestler who had some mental episodes), Bob Backlund (nice going guy who was a bit of a square, though would occasionally 'snap' and go insane), Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Degeneration X members HBK and Triple H who were best friends in and out of the ring so you totally believed them. The best wrestling personas are based on reality, so make sure that in life you stick with your true persona as much as possible as this will give you the most success.

I've got a couple more reasons why I love wrestling and how I feel it relates to real life. This and more, I will post in a future article.

Karma Comedian

2006-04-08T18:21:00.000-07:00

despite my admiration – and even adherence – to certain buddhist teachings (how to forget your desires in order to be happy and all that), i can’t find myself to believe in karma (thus, the obtuse title for this blog entry).

however, specific events in my life may be viewed by buddhists, or by non-buddhists who are nevertheless superstitious, as karma. being a catholic, even if a lapsed one (but still a christian in general), i believe that there is no such thing as karma. i believe god doles out his justice on judgment day and not while we’re still living. as the rock band p.o.d.’s acronym proclaims: payable on death.

but i will leave it to the reader to decide if the events mentioned below are either proof of karma’s existence or whether they are just isolated coincidences.

as a child, i liked to scare people. i would hide in dark corridors or behind doors while waiting for a particular person to pass by. and when the person does pass by, i would go out of my hiding place and scream as hard as i could to give my intended victim a good scare.

nowadays, i have outgrown scaring people. but ironically, i find myself at the receiving end of fear. i have been suddenly transformed from being the “scarer” to the “scaree”. i am being constantly bombarded by mystical ghosts, victimized by mental telepathy and telekinesis and hounded by other people, even by those i don’t know from adam. karma or coincidence?

as a kid and as late as my college days, i liked to impress upon people that i knew a lot. that i knew what people were going through, what they were thinking, what they were feeling. i liked to use the little info that i have absorbed either directly from them or from other sources (whether reliable or otherwise) to create the illusion that i knew what was going on. the idea was if i knew a lot about other people, then i must be a really smart and observant kid/guy.

nowadays, i try my best to stick to the facts although once in a while, venturing towards extrapolation and interpolation can’t be helped. but lo and behold, people (and yes, even complete strangers) have been giving me the impression that they know everything about my life to the point that they even attempt to predict my future. karma or coincidence?

finally, ever since i was 6 or 7, i was always fantasizing about girls whenever i masturbate – which was and still is pretty frequent. i fantasize about them talking dirty to me and me talking dirty to them. i mentally undress them and caress, kiss and lick their bodies to my heart’s content. i envision them having sex with me in wild, improbable and probably never before tried sexual positions.

now, i’m already in my mid-thirties and not once have i had a girlfriend my entire life. most of the girls i know are only there when they need something from me. most of my expenses are spent for and because of girls. in short, girls have a field day using me. karma or coincidence?

The One

2006-04-05T11:45:00.000-07:00

(For best effect, read this with Limp Bizkit's 'The One' playing in the background)

The great lie that many people believe is the concept of a soulmate. This is the belief that there is one and only one person in the world that you can share yourself with, i.e. the person that completes you. This is probably responsible for much suffering in the love and romance department, when the soulmate turns out not to be so.

A more realistic concept to believe in is the idea of having 'The One'. That one person you can be totally infatuated, in love, sexually attracted, intellectually stimulated, everything, the works. The One. In reality, despite the terminology, there are actually many Ones. Some people are lucky enough to discover many different people throughout their life that they can identify as The One. Others are not so lucky and go through life in a sort of void state lacking in passion.

My ideal situation would be to spend my life with a person I sincerely consider as 'The One'. I suspect many people don't actually end up getting married to their The One. They end up with the first person to have a semi kinda mutual attraction with who shows up at the right moment in their lives. Nothing wrong with that. If everyone pursued The One there would be very few married couples and the world population would be severely depleted.

What is The One anyway? It's hard to explain. There is a physical attraction no doubt, a sexual chemistry, a meeting of the minds. I define it as the feeling of knowing that this other person is really, really cool and it would be neat if I could spend as much time as possible with her. But the precise definition is elusive and could be different for each person. Like what the Oracle said to Neo in The Matrix, "Being the One is like being in love, you just know it, balls to bones." Deep inside you know in your gut when you know you have met The One, there's no denying it. You also know when a person is not The One.

Society tends to exert peer pressure on individuals to get married and raise a family. The reason being that ultimately, families are good for society as it promotes stability and child-bearing which keeps civilization and society alive. Imagine a world where people didn't have kids, we would be extinct as a race in a few generations. So people tend to want to get married and have a family at a certain age to keep the cycle of life intact. Nothing wrong with that. But there lies the conflict.

Ideally we want to be together with the person or persons we come across as being The One. Yet realistically it is a crapshoot, most of it is luck of the draw. So we are faced with a dilemma. Do we gamble, stick it out and wait for The One, or do we make do with the best that is available at a particular time. If I take a chance and wait for The One to arrive, I risk being alone and I pay the price of being choosy. Yet if the wait pays off and I do end up with The One then I gain a big piece of the ultimate joy in life.

So my question to you is, which are you willing to choose: The One or The Only One? Are you willing to gamble, possibly lose and pay the price of waiting for true happiness, or are you the type that is willing to compromise, accept that The One may never come so you take whatever is available at the right time? Are you the sort that goes for The One or The Only One?

true lies

2006-02-25T14:37:00.000-08:00

i just saw an episode on oprah that featured homosexual kids and adults. it showed how they, in order to be accepted by their families, peers and society in general, had to put up false fronts and live lives of lies.

in a way, i was able to relate with the gays and lesbians not because i’m a homosexual myself but because my life is also filled with lies.

for starters, i cannot tell my parents and relatives i don’t hear sunday mass anymore. it’s not because i’ve stopped believing in god. it’s just that seeing all those lifeless people going through the motions of fulfilling a weekly obligation is taking a toll on my faith. i see my fellow catholics performing religious rituals without gusto going to mass actually serves to weaken my faith rather than strengthen it. this is something my parents and relatives will never understand, them being close-minded conservative catholics whose best claim to their faith is it was passed down to them by their parents and grandparents. what they have is blind, inherited faith as they make no effort to educate it.

i cannot tell my parents and immediate family that i am into porn. granted, i’m no sex maniac and i just use porn to help satisfy my bodily urges everytime i have the itch to masturbate – which nowadays is roughly 2-3 times a week (rough being a term to denote estimation). but is there room for this in their narrow, superstitious and unsophisticated minds? it’s rhetorical, the questions is.

i cannot discuss freely to any member of the family my lustful desires towards our maid. they might just attribute this unlawful lust to what i see on the internet, movies and cable tv. or worse, they’ll probably think it’s due to the books i’ve been reading. (there was a time when they tried stopping me from reading after i tried influencing my mom to read a sidney sheldon novel. a few pages of sheldon and she gets offended, intimidated and threatened. he’s not even a controversial writer. most readers actually find him to be a boring novelist. imagine what would happen if i let my parents read dan brown’s “the da vinci code”. they’ll probably start burning all my books.) but the thing is, i was already masturbating and harboring lots of lustful thoughts since i was 6 years old – before we had cable tv and the internet, before i started going to movies, and definitely before i started reading books (whether by sidney sheldon or otherwise). hell, back then, my orgasm didn’t even come with semen. in fact, if you tried talking semen with me, i’ll be thinking sailors.

and finally, i cannot tell my relatives about the worldwide conspiracy against me for to do so would only illicit stupid and illogical conversations. not until they at least make an attempt to educate and improve themselves will their words be worthy of being heard and translated all over the world.

i protect people who can’t handle the truth through a thick, adamantium shield of lies. and that, in a nutshell, is why i’m still in the closet.

Polygamy and Economics

2006-02-22T12:22:00.000-08:00

"It's hardly surprising that in most polygynous societies, the bride's family gets large payments in exchange for her hand in marriage. If polygyny combined with women's rights, I bet we'd see more promises to wash the dishes. Not everybody would have to share a husband, but I can think of some who might prefer half of Orlando Bloom to all of Tim Harford—including my wife."

From 'The economic case for polygamy'.

Clueless

2006-02-21T01:04:00.000-08:00

The Clueless Manifesto Revealed:

"You probably all know the story of Roger Bannister--prior to 1954, experts believed that running a mile in less than four minutes was beyond human capability. People assumed it was an insurmountable human limitation--not possible. Some believed that even if you could, your heart would explode. But in 1954, Bannister broke the four-minute-impossible-barrier and clicked in at 3:59.4.

That was cool, but the remarkable thing is what happened immediately after that. Just over a month later someone else did it, and then before too long a ton of people were doing the 'impossible' sub-four-minute mile. The real barrier was psychological."

Job Musings

2006-02-20T19:47:00.000-08:00

I was physically and mentally exhausted after graduating from college. I didn't want to have anything to do with school anymore. I skipped the graduation ceremony and didn't even sign up for the yearbook. I just wanted to stay home and be a bum; do absolutely nothing for as long as possible.

This lasted for around three months, the happiest days of my life. That is until my mother cut my allowance and I ran out of money. So I was forced to go out and look for a job. At the time I thought I was a pretty good programmer, better than most programmers, and that a lot of companies would want to hire me. I was wrong. I wasn't able to get work as a programmer anywhere. I guess they didn't like my academic record or something. I wanted to get in these prestigious companies where pretty ladies wore fancy dresses and where they paid their programmers 8,000 pesos a month, which was a lot in those days. Unfortunately none of those companies would take me so I was forced to settle for work in a small firm that paid half that amount. Still, the 4,000 pesos a month still seemed like a lot because I would now be able to afford to eat at McDonald's everyday.

I remember my initial feeling when I started work. I was thinking, 'what, I have to spend all day in front of a computer monitor, day in and day out?' It wasn't my idea of a good time. In fact it was like torture. Even during college and high school, I would only write code for at most three hours at a time. Spending eight hours a day writing and debugging code didn't appeal to me. I didn't enjoy my first job that much, but getting money in return for the work felt good so I saved as much of it as I could so I can afford a new Pentium PC to play games on at home. Also, I did enjoy the friendships I made in my first company, the people there were funny and cool. So although I hated the work, I liked the money and the people.

The second company I joined paid slightly higher, 5,000 pesos a month. I moved after a little over six months on my first job. I didn't get along as well with the people in my new job, not much friendships. But I did like the work more because it was writing low level C Systems code and some assembler. The work was hard and sometimes impossible but I felt this was an improvement over writing boring database code. Money was ok but I felt that my savings were going at a too slow rate to be able to buy that Pentium PC. After a year, I was getting tired of all the low-level system stuff and the Unix environment in general. Windows 95 was out and so was Visual C++, it was the coolest programming environment I have ever seen. I was very lucky that Max, my college friend called me one day at work asking if I knew how to do bitmapped graphics in C++. I told him it sounded like a cool project and he said the company he just joined is looking for C++ developers. Of course I jumped at the opportunity.

My time in Max's company turned out to be some of the most fun years of my life. I developed many lifelong friendships there, and the work was great. It had the college environment, lots of fun people, interesting situations, lots of overtime, and good pay. I stayed there for four years. The place felt like home and the people were like family. I enjoyed staying in the office more. Sure there were lots of stressful situations and evil managers who made life hell for me, but the whole thing was still like a great adventure with heroes and villains and great stories that unfolded. We had something special there. In retrospect, perhaps I should never have left that company. But life goes on and I wanted to do something new and get out of my comfort zone.

By this time, year 2000, I felt extremely burned out. It was as if I had nothing left to offer technically. I had progressed from voracious programmer to a bumbling project lead who no longer wrote code but instead told other people what code to write. I thought for sure this was the end of me. That's it, throw in the towel, I've had it. Enough with the software industry. My fuel tank was empty. So I decided to join a more laid-back company that sold business application software. I just wanted to coast along, be in less stressful situations, stop spending so much time in the office. And for a short time I got what I wanted. Still, the people in this new company felt like lifeless droids and I couldn't relate to them. I definitely missed my old friends and atmosphere in my previous job. But I was burned out and so this was my fate.

Of course, this laid back situation didn't last long. That small easy-going company was eventually bought by a much larger software company. The situation started to get out of control. I kept fighting with my boss. I didn't feel like I had control over the project or the technology. We were forced into using another team's tools that were buggy as hell, at the same having unrealistic deadlines. I wanted to just get away from it all. Do something more peaceful and more meaningful. I almost resigned a couple of times, but the money, plus the fact that I had nowhere else to go kept me aboard. I thought I was doomed for sure, but for some reason my competitive instincts reawakened and I was able to recover and refocus myself on making a comeback.

And now this is where we come in. In the present time, our small dev group is currently under seige. Internal competition among groups is tight. There are some who believe we don't deserve to be here, that there are more worthy and deserving engineers who should be in our place. There are some who wants to do away with the old and burned out people (like myself) and replace us oldies with younger, more vibrant programmers. We are in competition for our jobs, for our very lives.

There are some days when I think to myself, as Danny Glover would say "I'm too old for this shit." Or perhaps like Rambo in his self-imposed exile telling Colonel Trautman "My war is over." Sometimes I'd like to believe that I'm really old and burned out and settle for the simple and relaxing life. There's no need to continue fighting if you no longer believe in the cause.

However when I look at my pattern of work, I notice a pattern, a cycle of fun, stress, burnout, friendships, comebacks, and resignations. Everytime I felt burned out and washed up, the competitive juices would always return. My fear is that day when I get that feeling of being burned out where I don't recover. Where I finally end up as a has-been. Hopefully that event will still be many, many years from now. In the meantime, they may think I'm down and out but deep inside me there is still that young college guy who still has that pent up hunger for that 4,000 peso salary and Pentium PC.

I've also found many more important things than staying in the office. There is more to life than this daily grind of staring at the monitor and typing in stuff and hitting 'compile'. I've come to appreciate good friendships, good company, and good times more.

And laziness, never underestimate the power of laziness.

Subconscious

2006-02-17T10:45:00.000-08:00

"Thinking hard about a complex decision that rests on multiple factors appears to bamboozle the conscious mind so that people only consider a subset of information, which they weight inappropriately, resulting in an unsatisfactory choice. In contrast, the unconscious mind appears able to ponder over all the information and produce a decision that most people remain satisfied with."

from newscientist

Retirement

2006-02-15T13:23:00.000-08:00

(courtesy of www.despair.com)

success 202

2006-02-12T22:00:00.000-08:00

(inspired by rob’s post ‘success 101’ and not the del monte pineapple juice as some might think)

there’s this popular saying which goes: “success is moving from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.” i can interpret this in simpler terms: if failure does not affect you anymore, then that is a sign of great success.

in a reply i made in rob’s previous post ‘success 101’, i mentioned i was going to put a lot of emphasis on faith and the next life for determining success. but it turns out this was just one of my FAILED attempts at defining success. (this error might work out for the best as i don’t think max and i can come up with an agreement to the faith/superstition dilemma anyway.)

failures, whether big or small, happen in our daily lives. we break a glass, we trip on a child’s toy, we accidentally touch a hot stove, or maybe our favorite sports team loses. i don’t think a day goes by where there is an absence of failure. in fact, the presence of failure makes success sweeter and more meaningful. like appreciating the morning sun after a long, cold and rainy night; like the peacefulness provided by silence after the ear-splitting noise absorbed in bars; like the relaxation of a massage after a good workout in the gym. a rainy night, spending time in bars and working out on a gym are of course not events related to failing. i'm just making points of comparison so as to explain the failure-success paradox.

so when irritable moments don’t affect you anymore, then in my book, you are high up the ladder of success. on the other hand, because you are already numb to the effects of failure, you might not appreciate success as much.

so in conclusion, i declare that measuring success is overrated and putting too much emphasis on it might just ironically affect our enjoyment of life. it’s better (and logical) to take things one day at a time. let tomorrow take care of itself for we are not even sure if we will still be alive tomorrow.

We do not fall in love

2006-02-12T00:36:00.000-08:00

We do not fall in love with specific people. We fall in love when the time and conditions are right for falling in love. When we are in the state of being in love. What is first love? Do you remember your first love? The person is immaterial. You were just in the right frame of mind and condition susceptive to being in love at the time. It could have been anyone, the first person who came into your life when you were in the right state of being in love. When the factors are just right, and you fall into that frame of mind of being in love, that's the time you just so happened to meet the unique person you love, although it could have been anyone else.

Success 101

2006-02-09T02:40:00.000-08:00

On this same day six years ago, I was in a car with a group of friends talking about random stuff when out of the blue one of the guys asked us the question "What is success?" He had apparently been thinking about his life and career and probably had a bit of an early mid life crisis. Perhaps he had been troubled by something going on in his life and he wanted our opinion on what we thought about this thing called 'success'.

This turned into a long debate with each guy declaring his own definition of success. I remember I didn't even have an answer at that time. I hadn't gave it much thought. But I vaguely remember that each person defined 'success' differently based on their personal values and belief system. The answers varied from money to fame to family.

Today, six years after the event, I can safely say I have my own personal definition of success which I will reveal at the end of this article. Before that I will review each of the common 'success' definitions that exist. Though I believe them to be inaccurate and detached from reality, there's probably nothing wrong with believing in them as long as it makes you happy.

The problem is, most of us go through life having the definition of success dictated to us by our friends, family, and society. We hesitatingly go for the ride thinking that by achieving 'success' we will be happy. Then realize later on that it was a dead end, all along being deceived that its pursuit was a worthwhile activity.

What is success? Here is Definition #1:

Success = Money, Possessions, Power

It follows that the higher the income, the bigger the house, the better the car, the more successful the individual is. If you have money you also ultimately have more power. People treat you better, with more respect. Your self-worth gets tied up in your net worth. Money and possessions becomes an end to itself. You spend all your time acquiring money, building that bigger house, getting that next raise. And people shake your hand and congratulating you for making it, achieving the dream. And of course you spend all your prime time being busy earning money that you're too tired when you get home and just plop down, watch some TV, eat dinner, sleep, get up the following day. The cycle repeats itself until death.

Definition #2 is related to the first one, though slightly different:

Success = Prestige, Accomplishments, Position

Everyone wants to be a somebody. We want to be known as an 'achiever'. A highly motivated individual who has accomplished a lot of things in life. We want to get promoted, climb the ladder of success. Eventually manage and lead other people. Who wants to be a 50-year old office clerk at the bottom rung of the corporate ladder? We want to go to our class reunions and boast to our former classmates about our achievements. We embellish our company titles to make them sound nicer and more prestigious. Our image is important. Without it we are a failure and who wants to be known as a failure?

Definition #3 is one I see often from my married and engaged friends:

Success = Family, Stability, Descendants

I have a confession to make. I am 32 years old and still unmarried. Not even in a relationship. It's very humiliating everytime someone (usually a married person or one who's in a committed relationship) asks me "So are you married yet? No? Why not, how old are you already? Aren't you afraid of running out of time?"

Marriage and family are very important to success it seems. First of all, you need the wife and kids because to grow old alone is synonymous with being a loser and a failure. Worst of all, you could grow old and sick and end up in a retirement home. No one wants that. Many of us are looking for some stability in life. A spouse to grow old with, and kids and grandkids that you can watch grow up. For them, having a family of your own is the biggest success.

Definition #4 is gaining in popularity with today's yuppie generation:

Success = Pleasure, Possessions, Experiences

Forget the rest, we all know that success comes in the form of getting the most pleasure out of life. Enjoy today for we don't know where we will be tomorrow anyway. Plus, we want to have a lot of fun memories to look back to when we get old. We want the latest toys available today. Let's just keep consuming, go to those wild vacations whether we enjoy them or not. He who dies with the most accumulated pleasurable experiences wins. The one with the most toys is judged the most successful.

Definition #5 exists because of the human ego:

Success = Desirability, Popularity, Attractiveness

Also known as 'most popular wins'. Narcissism prevails. The more cliques we belong to, the more organizations that accept us, and the more people that are turned on by our face and body, the better. We spend all our time impressing other people, convincing them to like us, which in turn will make us more successful.

Personally, I've seen them all, all the definitions and illusions of success. I even went through some of them, believing them to be true one time or another in my life. I've had these definitions of success imposed on me by what I see on TV, or in the office, or what friends and acquaintances would tell me. Each object offering its narrow point of view of success. I've seen the anguish on other people's faces when they buy into these false images of success and realize that they don't have them. I too have felt myself I haven't lived up to these success images.

Taking all of these into perspective, there is really only one basic definition of success that supersedes every other definition. And this is the success definition that I believe in today:

Success = Time

Think about it. We only have a finite time to live. Assuming I have fifty more years to live, that gives me 438,000 more hours left in this world. Doesn't sound like much does it? It makes me more concerned with how I plan to use up those hours. I definitely don't want to waste them.

Now I don't want to use up those precious hours trying to accumulate more money that I need to live by. Or waste them climbing up that invisible ladder of prestige and accomplishment. Or spending time on frivolous hedonistic activities that gets tiring fast. And I shudder at the thought of using up the time working extra hours in the office.

I want to use my time wisely, on stuff I actually care about. What is the most important thing for you today? Why are you not spending time on it? Why do you spend so much time and effort being busy with items you don't really care about. That you go to work everyday, get home too tired for anything else and end up watching TV, eat, sleep, repeat until death.

The successful person is the person who has the most time for himself, the one with the most free time. It is that guy who spends the most amount of time doing the things that are most important to him. The guy whose work also happens to be his 'hobby'. The guy who always has time to do what is necessary and is never too tired to do what he enjoys doing. I want to be like that guy.

The Most Important Things

2006-02-09T02:27:00.000-08:00

"The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them - words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller, but for want of an understanding ear."

- Stephen King, 'Stand By Me'

Beauty and Madness

2006-01-15T22:27:00.000-08:00

Looks do matter, no matter how we try to deny it. We subconsciously form opinions towards other people based on their physical attractiveness. The tall handsome guy somehow appears more trustworthy and likeable than the short guy with the big nose. The pretty girl that's easy on the eyes is judged to be more intelligent and having the better personality than the homely woman with thick eyebrows. We discriminate based on outside looks. Fair or not, that's what usually happens.

We are attracted to attractive people. Say two women are applying for the same job opening. One of them is a dead ringer for Jessica Alba, while the other resembles Rosie O'Donnell. Assuming they have similar qualifications and did equally well in the interview, who do you think is more likely to get the job? Taller men are also more likely to be promoted to leadership positions since they have the physical attributes of being a leader. During debates, good-looking men usually win over their not-so-good-looking counterparts, go figure.

How do we attribute this mysterious force that compels us prefer nicer-looking people over ugly ones? How do we even judge what is physically attractive in the first place? For instance, when I see Naomi Watts on TV I know she is beautiful and sexy, yet how do I know she is? Who made up these rules in the first place? Why makes a pretty girl 'pretty', and an ugly girl 'ugly'. And why do we instinctively prefer good-looking over the rest.

After all, physical looks are only a by-product of the genes you are given at birth. Our facial features, bone structure, metabolism are some of the cards we are dealt with that determine how well you look later in life. Some people are born beautiful. They have been blessed with great physical attributes. And we look up to them, we place them on a pedestal, reward them for their good looks. Yet we forget that this is mostly a product of genes and physiology.

Years ago, I asked out this very pretty girl. The experience was intimidating because I knew deep inside I was out of my league with regards to her. She rejected me because I was "funny-looking". And I felt bad because I wasn't good-looking enough for her. Years later, it felt kind of silly because there I was feeling intimidated and all, yet her only advantage was in her genes determining physical looks. Genes which you can't control. Somehow she had gotten the superior genes, yet it made all the difference.

Take Jessica Alba or Naomi Watts. We worship them, place them on pedestals, praise them for looking the way they are, treat them differently. Yet they are just like any other person. The only difference is that they look better. Yet this tiny difference makes all the difference. Weird.

Many people I know are self-conscious about their bodies. They make an effort to reshape their outside appearance, to somehow morph their faces through hairstyle or ornaments to improve their physical attractiveness. The perceived beauty on the outside has a huge effect on how people feel on the inside. Self-esteem goes up or down depending on how attractive or unattractive others perceive you to be.

I ask people why they work out in the gym. Why they want to lose weight. And the reply most always is "to look better". Note that they don't necessarily want to be healthier or stronger. They just want to look better, get that extra physical attractiveness point, which will raise the ego, self-esteem, and indirectly make them feel better about themselves. People want to look better on the outside so they can feel better on the inside. Yet attractiveness is largely determined by the cards you are dealt with, so it doesn't work. There is no peace of mind if your happiness is determined by how others perceive of you, and worse if it is determined by how others perceive of you in terms of physical looks.

Despite these sentiments, I still find myself more attracted to physically attractive people. I'm still more liable to find a pretty girl more fun to be with than a less attractive one. Perhaps it is because through some freak of nature, attractive people really have more charm and with than unattractive ones. Or perhaps I am just a victim of my own social conditioning. Any ideas?

Dangerous Ideas

2006-01-04T02:16:00.000-08:00

The Edge Annual Question 2006 -

"The history of science is replete with discoveries that were considered socially, morally, or emotionally dangerous in their time; the Copernican and Darwinian revolutions are the most obvious. What is your dangerous idea? An idea you think about (not necessarily one you originated) that is dangerous not because it is assumed to be false, but because it might be true?"

What is your dangerous idea?

money cubed

2006-01-02T21:15:00.000-08:00

have you ever noticed that both money and misery begin with the letter m and end with the letter y? i believe it’s a symbolic representation of the alpha and the omega.

in the beginning, you start out with no money and that’s why you’re miserable, and in the end as you lie on your deathbed contemplating about the miserable life you’ve lived trying to acquire as much money and material possessions that could have been better off shared with the needy, you realize too late that with all the money you have, you are still unhappy.

and you ask yourself, what went wrong? you began life with so much hope, courage, love, energy, vigor, passion and idealism. then one day, you wake up and suddenly getting up in bed becomes a chore and a routine you are forced to do as opposed to having another opportunity to fulfill your dream of making a difference in the world and leaving an everlasting legacy to your descendants.

you begin asking yourself questions like: what broke my spirit? how did i become so bitter and cynical? why am i suddenly angry, resentful and vengeful? why am i settling for what’s available? why is second best suddenly good enough for me? why is it that the legacies i leave my descendants have to be about money and superficial and temporary things like lands, houses, condominiums, planes, yachts and cars? what happened to my core values and code of ethics? why is it that principles only remind me of school headmasters and headmistresses? where did my thirst for knowledge go? what happened to my sense of justice? where was the joy i experienced with my first love or the innocent pleasure of my first kiss? where was the excitement, the lust for life, the unbridled curiosity i felt during the first few times i had sex? why is it that i am now only motivated by three things: money, money and money?

money to buy a brand new cellphone complete with radio, earphones and camera (with video or otherwise). money to buy the latest top-of-the-line iPod. money to buy a brand new mansion-like house. money to buy a brand new car fully loaded and insured. money to feel more confident when with the opposite sex. money to buy “friends”. money to get good sex.

and having acquired all these and more, you’re still unhappy so you think the solution is to get more money. after all, your friends have more money and they seem to look happier.

now you are scared of death as you become attached to money. you become “religious” as you spend lots of time going to prayer meetings and attending masses and novenas in an attempt to bargain and haggle with god to give you a longer life cause you still haven’t enjoyed the one he has given you so far. you pray that your money will be safe from thieves, fires or the crash of the stock market.

for every deed you do – whether good or bad – you need to ask yourself what’s in it for you. the “profit per deed” must be great before you are moved to act. you give only when you are sure you are getting something in return.

you go to beauty parlors and spas and spend a fortune so you can look at your whole body in the mirror without flinching. you put lots of make-up, deodorant and expensive perfume so you can hide what’s beneath your tupperware skin: the rotting and decaying smell of a dead spirit.

you feel you need to go to 5 star hotels on dates so well-dressed waiters, formal-looking concierges and knowledgeable maitre d’s can pamper you and make you feel special cause despite all your money, you still have an inferiority complex.

you continue to insist on your stubbornness and persist in your delusion that money can take you out of your misery. money becomes your god and misery your penance to your god.

hail to money! praise be money! long live money!

(you probably have noticed the frequency of the usage of the word ‘money’ in this essay. but i will bet my life that it is nothing compared to the money that you have. let’s just hope you’re chinese so you can bring all of it to your grave and your next life.)

2006

2006-01-01T00:32:00.000-08:00

Two dangerous thinkers meet?

Happy New Year!

who’s your maming?!

2005-12-31T21:01:00.000-08:00

this is my attempt to understand ate maming – theories that can’t help but be judgmental.

ate maming saw me when i was down and depressed. because of this, she probably thought i had given up on life. she treated me like she treated low-life’s like herself.

and when i recovered from my depression, she realized i was just trying to be humble and keeping a low profile. she probably feels shame about the way she treated me when i was mentally sick. now, to save face, she wants to get in my nerves, make me angry, so that i may become the person she wants me to be: just another low-life like herself. or maybe, by making me angry, she might learn my true feelings towards her because i’ve treated her well despite the abuse i’ve taken from her.

i find ate maming very insecure and emotionally sensitive. she finds joy in life when she sees others suffer, worry, get angry, have fights, and anything that leads to a person’s unhappiness. if she is unhappy, she feels contentment seeing others unhappy. if others are even more troubled than she is, she feels elated.

i find ate maming very insincere. she says things she really doesn’t believe in. she only says them so she can feel accepted in a conversation.

i feel anger for ate maming for her continued attempts to bring me down. sometimes it’s hard to remain cool during times when i feel very tired and stressed out. i refrain from being angry cause anger will only serve as a bad example and i also want to show (at least indirectly) that principles are more important than emotions.

thinking about all the negative things ate maming represent have begun to affect my everyday thoughts. it’s almost impossible to let go of her negativity. it has even affected my sleep, rest and relaxation. (of course, one good thing that may come out of this is i’ll lose weight – hopefully)

i’m thinking i should continue putting importance on principles while remaining open-minded and humble. if she continues to try and hurt me, then i leave my suffering to god and pray that the pain she inflicts may not lead to anger and frustration which can lead to the deterioration of my relationships with other people.

………

i thought writing this stuff would ease the negative emotions i’m feeling for ate maming. but somehow putting them into words and visualizing them has made me more vindictive as i feel that i am deeply wronged by her. i pray to the lord for strength in my ability to forgive.

maid in manila

2005-12-29T16:57:00.000-08:00

it’s been months now that i have been fantasizing about our maid. no matter how often i use her body whenever i touch myself, i could never get enough of her. i won’t pretend and say that i’m in love with her cause i’m not. it’s pure lust. the kind that gives you a hard-on just by looking at her; the kind that increases your libido just by listening to her erotic voice.

it’s quite ironic cause she isn’t even pretty. she just radiates a positive and happy energy. an energy i like to have in a sexual partner. maybe it’s because she is very young (17 years old) that she is able to emit so much vigor and vibrancy.

in my mind, i like to hear her scream in ecstasy as i thrust my manhood inside of her. i like to imagine shifting her from one kinky sexual position to another. there is no limit as to what i can do to her. i can abuse her. i can give her multiple orgasms. i can eat her pussy which i like to visualize as very tasty.

in real life, i deny my hidden desire towards her and i treat her like any human being: with r-e-s-p-e-c-t. i can’t venture on taking her out on a date cause like i said, it’s not love that’s giving me a boner. otherwise, if there was even a semblance of love, i would bring her to the nearest mall so i can treat her in some flashy restaurant.

there have been many instances when only the 2 of us were left in the house. i could easily have used force and take advantage of her but that is not how i operate. instead, i content myself with smelling her clothes, shorts, pants (specifically the crotch area), and yes, her bra and panties. it’s sad that i still haven’t had the opportunity to smell her unwashed panties as that will be the closest thing i’ll get to drinking her juices.

so you may ask, to what limit do i try to satisfy my horniness. it’s very elementary really: i will not resort to physical contact. although i admit i have been tickling her in certain sensitive areas in her body, but this was/is/will be all done in a playful, non-malicious manner. it’s like trying to tickle a baby. i do not do it to satiate my lustful cravings. cause if i wanted to satisfy my carnal desires, then i would have caressed her breasts, her crotch area and kiss her just about everywhere. there were even times when she was presenting her fully clothed breasts for me to touch but i backed off. there are only certain body parts where i allow myself to tickle. it’s immature to take advantage just because you can. it’s more mature if you think you can have something but nevertheless feel you can stay away from it. this is similar to my millionaire friend jonathan’s philosophy of what a truly rich person should be: he can obtain something but feels no need to acquire it. and this has nothing to do with being stingy.

granted, the catholic teaching is once you have sex with a woman in your mind, it’s as if you had sex with her in real life. but in my proud opinion, i think the logic behind this teaching is if you have sexual fantasies, the tendency is you will act upon them one of these days. you make passes at women; you’ll intoxicate women so you can date-rape them; or you get so horny you don’t have the patience to intoxicate them anymore and you just rape them right then and there; or maybe you feel weak and insecure you need to bring your gang to rape a girl. your mind gets so perverted you lose r-e-s-p-e-c-t towards women.

i am not exempting myself from this catholic teaching. all i’m doing is coming up with the best excuse for my weakness. priests would probably call it “sins of the flesh”. i call it “sins of the mind”.

so what makes me so sure that i will not make-out or have sex with our maid; that i will not succumb to the many temptations that present themselves. the answer is a no-brainer: i’m in love with another girl.

The Old Man and the Cup

2005-12-28T02:20:00.000-08:00

This incident happened many years ago.

On a busy sidewalk street, during a scorching hot, humid day, commuters and shoppers walked by an old beggar. The old man was crouched under the hot sun at his usual spot. He held a tin cup with which people can drop coins into, but very few did. If he had enough coins he would be able to buy some bread or noodles. The old man had deformed legs and feet, the result of a birth defect that left him unable to walk. He would get around by dragging his waist and legs over the hard pavement, looking for scraps of food or spare change from anyone who would pass by.

Suddenly there was a commotion - a loud startling sound. The clanking of coins and metal could be heard. The old man's tin cup lay on the ground tipped over, with the small amount of coins that used to be in the cup scattered on the sidewalk. The old beggar had thrown his cup to the ground and had a pained expression on his face, grimaced and anguish at the same time. I guess a walking bystander inadvertedly kicked or stepped on his leg, which was painful. The day was extremely hot and the old man was hungry, probably been hungry for days. So the beggar tossed his tin cup in a fit of rage. Life had not treated him too good. Being born unable to walk. Hot, hungry, looked down upon, and having no one else to turn to. And I think it was at that moment that he felt was the last straw, where he gave up. He had had enough of a life that was so cruel to him.

That vision still sticks with me up to this day.

I did eventually go back to that busy sidewalk. But the old beggar was no longer there.

Don't Make Me Think Vol. 1 - 'The Pope'

2005-12-26T02:23:00.000-08:00

Some people don't want to think, it's too tiring, too much work.

I was chatting with some guys the other day. I remarked that this year would be the first Christmas Mass of the new Pope. Is Pope Benedict good or bad? He seems quite traditional unlike his predecessor. And I kinda miss the old guy. He had that special connection to young people and non-catholics. John Paul II was probably the most free thinking Pope the Vatican has ever had. How did he even get elected in the first place? Why would a congregation of traditional institutional Cardinals in the Vatican elect him in 1978?

Actually I was just wondering out loud. I didn't really expect an answer.

What was unexpected was the reaction of the guys around me. One of them said "rob, why do you even ask us questions like that? We can't get into the mind of the cardinals. These are hard questions."

Then silence.

Don't make me think. It's too much work.

Merry Christmas.

Quite Frankly

2005-12-23T02:09:00.000-08:00

It's hard to be honest these days. Most of the time it's downright impossible. We lie to people we don't want to offend. We lie to our friends because we don't want to hurt their feelings. We lie to our bosses and co-workers because it makes our jobs easier. We even lie to total strangers because lying takes less effort than telling the truth. Honesty is hard work.

We don't tell the truth because it's more convenient not to. Like the time I told a co-worker I couldn't go to his party because I had to work overtime when the real reason was I was just too lazy to go and preferred to watch TV at home. Had I told him the truth that I was lazy, he probably would have taken offense. So the lie did save some potential hurt feelings. Other times I just tell the truth, that I'm too lazy to go to parties, and this can work to your disadvantage. This is only the tip of the iceberg. Sometimes a lie can save a job, or prevents making enemies. Falsehood also saves a lot of time. You give a good convincing (untruthful) excuse and that's usually the end of the conversation. But if you tell the truth, you will be asked to explain and justify yourself. That's why it takes a very brave and confident person to tell the truth when a lot is at stake.

When do you draw the line between lying and telling the truth? Do you tell the truth only when it doesn't matter much and lie when it gives you the most advantage? Or do you stubbornly insist on always being honest, taking the right path, even if you know you will get into trouble for it as usually happens.

One of my favorite sports analysts, Stephen A. Smith of ESPN has his own show - Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith. The theme of the show is no-nonsense, 'tell it like it is even when it hurts' interviews and commentary. I love that guy. He said on Letterman once that every time he speaks in public, he thinks to himself, "Am I telling people the truth". Another great guy is Charles Barkley of TNT. Barkley is an accomplished NBA player, future hall of famer, so he isn't afraid of speaking his own mind. One time after an extremely tedious and long basketball game televised on the network that pays his salary, Barkley said it was the most boring game he ever watched, and that the only reason he stuck around until the final buzzer was because they were paying him to watch it. Talk about being brutally honest.

Bestselling author and widely renowned motivational speaker Robert Ringer wrote in his book Million Dollar Habits that one of greatest success secret is being honest both with yourself and with others. This is a very difficult trait to practice. To achieve true honesty, you have to know yourself for what you truly are, to be self-aware of your strengths, weaknesses and idiosyncracies and avoid any delusions. What you project to the world should be the real person that is inside of you, not a manufactured persona tailored to other people's expectations of what you should be. We all have delusions of what we want to be and consciously or subconsciously project this false personality to others whom we want to impress. Projecting this false persona takes a lot of time and effort that could be better put elsewhere.

Ringer also advocates practicing morality, 'fairness', avoiding deception in dealing with others. He once had to turn down a major deal worth a substantial sum of money because there was some deception involved. Now that's a tough man, I wish I could be more like him. Frequently we take the path of least resistance. We tell fibs, deal in deception even when the stakes are low. We lie because it's easier than telling the truth. You can see where this is going. Telling the truth, being honest becomes the exception rather than the norm.

What do we gain by practicing honesty? How do we benefit when we project ourselves as we truly are? I sincerely believe that honesty is the best way to go and will lead you to success. There is something emotionally and physically liberating by telling the truth even when it hurts you. Never underestimate the power of having peace of mind - it is one of the seeds to achieving true happiness. Honesty and success go hand in hand.

my sacrifice

2005-12-14T20:33:00.000-08:00

my current girlfriend is a single mother who works as a caregiver / maid in oakland, california. she works her ass of in a foreign land cause she feels this is the best way she can earn the most money and thus ensuring the future and well-being of her adorably cute 3-year old kid.

this year, she will be spending christmas far, far away from her son, her parents, her 3 older siblings and me. to make matters worse, she is not appreciated by her family for all her hard work and she is being blamed for getting herself into this mess of being a single mother. her siblings even want to adopt her son as they feel that she can’t possibly be fit to be a mother.

she will be coming back home this january. as my belated christmas present to her, i will give up watching porn on the internet, cut down on my listening of loud and noisy rock music (the type being played on nu 107), minimize watching sports on tv as she is not into any of these things. instead, i want to spend more time with her by helping her do groceries and shopping. i want to spend more time playing games with her son (as opposed to playing with myself). and finally, i will get a better job than the one i’m currently in so she doesn’t have to work abroad.

if this is sacrifice, then it would be all worth it if she can consider me a fit father to her son.

What's Wrong With Email Anyway?

2005-12-06T00:09:00.000-08:00

Nobody writes personal emails anymore. When was the last time you received an intimate email from a friend or acquaintance? When was the last time you wrote one yourself?

These days, most email we receive are forwarded messages. They're either jokes, pictures, links to videos or chain letters. Seems to be no one has the time to write real messages. We hardly even have time to read them when we get 'em. We've become a jaded society that's too busy to communicate. We resort to sending one liners through Instant Messenger (IM) programs. Some even go invisible in these IM chat software so they won't be seen as online and won't be disturbed.

I remember the first time I went online on the internet. I was ecstatic. It was slow. I was on dial-up. Man those modems were noisy. Homepages still used those clumsy animated gifs and were always 'under construction' (with the animated construction gif of course). The first thing I did was email all my friends. I essentially wrote to everyone I knew who had an email address. Some replied. I always excitedly wrote back. I emailed individual Christmas and New Year messages. I wrote my friends when I had a problem. I shared my secrets, and hopes, and pain. We talked like human beings. All of this through the wonders of email. Life was good.

Then along the way something went wrong. We tired of sending emails. We boasted that we got bombarded with too much emails. Sorry too busy to reply. Too busy to write. Worse, some unscrupulous sites started sending out spam. These malicious messages had links to viruses and bad sites. We became wary of email. We started avoiding them. They were left unread, unwritten. The magic was gone.

It became out of fashion to write personal messages via email. Who has the time to write them? Who has the time to communicate? And if you're one of the few who still send hand typed messages, you've probably got too much time on your hands. Shame on you, don't you have more important things to do?

I am guilty of this myself. The few times I would actually get a personal email I would let it lapse. Days, sometimes weeks would go by without my answering them. I was too "busy" to do what was really important.

It's time to bring back the glory of email. Go back to the time you first went online - when you actually wrote stuff from the heart. My promise to you is I will make time to do the important personal stuff. I will not let personal emails lapse without a thoughtful and caring reply. And most importantly take the time to write new ones. Take care and keep writing.

Dangerous Thinkers

2005-11-28T14:36:00.000-08:00

'Dangerous Thinkers' - a spinoff of Dangerous Reviewers.

In 'Reviewers in a Dangerous Time', we reviewed movies, music, and other assorted pop culture items.

In this new 'Dangerous Thinkers' blog, we enter the realm of restricted thoughts. Those thoughts you can't say in public, ideas that are subversive, even blasphemous in nature. It also covers any current topics of interest to the general public.