Happiness 101

(This will be a multi-parter on the topic concerning the happiness state of mind. These reflect my thoughts on the subject as I continue to learn more about life. Feel free to comment.)


Back when I was a kid, I didn't really think in terms of happy or sad. I can safely say I was neither happy nor sad. I mean, I would cry because I wanted ice cream, or because I wet the bed, or something like that. But that wasn't really sadness, just discomfort.

I don't think I was happy either. I remember the first time I went to a fancy restaurant during the family reunion. I guess I might have been happy, but perhaps I was really just excited at the prospect of experiencing something new for the first time. Ah, I guess I was happy during Christmas, all kids are. But then again maybe it was just excitement - the thrill of encountering something new and rare.

Come to think of it, I probably was pretty depressed. I hated not being in control of the situation, being told what to do by teachers and other grownups. I remember the dread of the last day of summer and the prospect of going back to school. I hated that feeling, I guess it made me sad.

As we grow older, we become more aware of our own emotional state. We grasp more firmly what happiness and unhappiness is. So when we lose a friend, or when we disappoint our parents, we become more unhappy - and also more aware of it. When we get accepted by our peers or when we know summer vacation is next week, we become more happy - and we also realize that we are happy.

As we grow even older, we get paranoid at the prospect of unhappiness. We fear a lot of stuff that can happen that will make us sad. We may lose a job, or be separated from a friend, or end up alone and lonely. There are so many things that can make us unhappy and we consciously try to avoid them.

I've gone around asking different people what it is that will make them happy. What it is they really want to do in life. And here's the surprise, we know what will make us unhappy, but we really don't know what will make us happy.

For instance, one person said buying his own house and lot will make him happy. I quizzed him further, "how will that make you happy?" Then he said "Well, having a house and lot means that I've accomplished something in my life."

Then I asked him "OK so say you do have the house and lot in your possesion, then what?" And the question drew a blank stare. He didn't know what to do. The truth is he really had no idea what it took for him to be happy. You've got your house, you made your accomplishments, now what, junior?

Some of you may be thinking, OK wise guy, you seem to know all the answers, what does it take to make you happy?

So I don't know, myself. In fact you won't know what makes you happy because there really is no such thing as happiness. Happiness is an utopian goal that doesn't exist, a made up fairy tale that is passed on from generation to generation. You couldn't be happy even if you tried.

So what do you aim for? Personally, I like Guy Kawasaki's tip in his "Hindsight" commencement address to Palo Alto high school:

Pursue joy, not happiness

"Take my word for it, happiness is temporary and fleeting. Joy, by contrast, is unpredictable. It comes from pursuing interests and passions that do not obviously result in happiness."

If we pursued joy as an objective, it would be like going back to childhood. Enjoying that first visit to McDonald's, or excitedly opening that new toy. Joy would be the result of all those little random things we encounter every day and a lot of unexpected events that happen when we aren't aware.

Each person derives joy from an entirely different source. Me for instance, I remember peaks of joy when I was intensely into something, whether it was a computer game, or personal project, or being in love, or even just preoccupied with a major event happening in the present. That for me is pure joy and I'm still trying to figure out how to recreate it day by day. The trick is discovering what works for you.

This in a nutshell, is what I think happiness (joy) really is.

Next part, I'll comment on the flip side of happiness - depression, poor mental hygiene, and worry.