Effective Starbucks 101

Billy Joel once wrote "I don't want clever conversation. I never want to work that hard. I just want someone that I can talk to. I want you just the way you are." That sums up in a nutshell what I like the most about a quiet starbucks session with friends and other interesting people.

You can choose to talk over dinner, but the food and eating gets in the way. You can go out for a movie, but while it's playing there's nothing else to do but sit and watch. Sitting in a quiet coffee shop will always be the best place to really listen and talk to someone. The place is relatively free of distractions. The coffee has to cool, there's no rush, no time limit (other than closing time), and the conversation takes place front and center.

I'd like to share with you some of my tips for an effective and memorable starbucks session.

1. Have the right cast of characters

My ideal group is four people. And these four would fit in one of the following roles: One alpha person who usually has strong opinions and dominates the conversation, one contra individual who usually has a different take on the world and thinks much differently than anyone else, one quiet guy who usually agrees with everyone and laughs when prompted to, and a moderator or narrator who usually frames the conversation and keeps things in order. I choose four people because that fits nicely in a small table, and it is large enough to have all the pieces. Of course, you could have fewer or more, as long as you have the right balance of strong/contra/frodo/groupie.

Depending on the group I'm with in a starbucks session, I usually assume the role of whatever is lacking. For instance, if it is already clear who the alpha person is, but no contra person steps up, then I will assume the contra role. Most often I find myself as the moderator character, and it is also the role I am most comfortable in. I love radio and tv talk shows and I always observe how the host or interview strives to get the most interesting reactions and answers from his guests. My goal is to derive the maximum entertainment value with a given group.

The contra guy will debate the alpha person. The moderator keeps things in order and moves the discussion to more interesting topics when necessary. The quiet guy is the laugh track, the audience, this is the person that the alpha and contra are trying to convince that they are right.

2. Select a small table.

Frequently I'll go to starbucks with a group of friends, and they will immediately go for the 'couch area' because it has the most comfortable seats. This is the section I hate the most and I find it least conducive to conversation. Why? Because you are seated too far away from everyone else. You have to raise your voice to be heard. The sofa is relaxing so you just want to lay down and relax, sip your frappucino and not talk. Avoid the couch at all costs.

My preferred area is a small table, one that can barely fit four small plates. I want to see the faces of the people I'm with. See their reactions close up. Plus, you don't have to strain to hear them when they make an important relevation that they are in tears when they say it.

3. Buy appropriate refreshments.

Most people complain about the prohibitive cost of starbucks. Yes it is kind of pricey. That's why I only get the regular coffee. Almost everyone I know will automatically get the iced frappucino or hot mocha super drink that costs twice or even three times as much. By settling for a plain coffee, I don't get distracted by the super drink, and I get to save my cash. Well actually I don't because I end up splurging on starbucks food such as waffles, cookies, and other coffee-related accessories.

The other advantage with a hot coffee is that it takes time to cool down before drinking. With an iced frappucino, you can drink it right away and it distracts you. A coffee teaches me to be patient, pay attention to what the other person is saying.

4. Play devil's advocate or play dumb.

Most of my friends know my tendency to play devil's advocate just to keep a conversation more 'interesting'. A group that agrees with each other tends to get bored and adjourn quickly. So when someone makes an interesting point, you usually have to ask her 'why'. Or 'What makes you say that? Why do you think Yoga is the path to true enlightenment?'

You can also play the part of the jerk, the belligerent guy who is extremely ignorant and wrong, that you have to set straight. There are times when you have to play the villain, then in a sudden twist just as everyone is finishing their coffee, you see the 'light', and the good guys win again! Everyone goes home happy.

Another technique is to play dumb. "Who is this Avril Lavigne you speak of? What makes her music so great?" You actually do this when you want others in the table to know more about what this guy is explaining. It is done to emphasize a point and you play the student who asks the dumb questions that everyone is afraid to ask.

A warning though, before you try any of these techniques, make sure you know the people you're with first. I tried some of them with some new people who don't know me as well, and I bet they think I'm either a dumb duck or a true devil.

5. Do unexpected reactions

One way to keep things lively and interesting is to show an entirely unexpected reaction. For instance, one person may be telling her life story to you, so you just nod your head. But when she comes to an important part, you do an unexpected reaction like pounding the table, or exclaiming "whoa". Something that will get their attention. It keeps things less boring and encourages them to tell more of the story. The objective is to get as much story as possible, together with all the little details and nuances that makes stories great.

6. Have a reserve set of topics

Initially, people you don't know as well will not open up (there are also those who will never open up no matter what, you should eliminate them from your starbucks group). My technique for encouraging people to share their deepest stories and darkest opinions, is to start with some light but fun topics.

I like doing the 'top 5' bit. Ask people what their top 5 restaurants of all time are, or what their most favorite age was, something that gets them thinking. I remember a scene in the movie Turbulence where the bad guy, Ray Liotta would ask the hapless flight attendance "What's your favorite movie?" which I find very funny because I can imagine myself like a desperate Ray Liotta doing corny surveys just to get people talking.

I'll also do riskier topics which is sure to get a heated debate. Most people avoid discussing these but I love 'em because everyone gets so emotional talking about them. These topics are - religion, politics, sexual and physical preferences, money, and health. My favorite line of all time is a simple one: "Are ye happy, son (or daughter)?" and you have to ask this with a straight face. Watch closely their reaction and what they say, because it reveals a lot.

7. Listen closely

The rule is simple: Talk only when you need to keep things moving. When things are going smoothly and conversation is plentiful, just keep quiet and listen. You are there to learn about what makes other people function, what their deepest desires and frustrations are. And the only way you will find out is by listening intently.

This means you have to ignore your cellphone, put down the newspaper, stop looking around at the other coffee shop customers and put your full focus on the table group that is in front of you. You'll find it's the best experience anyone can ever have.

Coffee anyone?