Rules of Nostalgia

The following are the rules governing all feelings of nostalgia:


1. The good parts are remembered, the bad parts are overlooked

I tend to look back fondly on the "good ol' days". My brain is wired to remember vividly all the good things, while at the same time glossing over the bad things. I'll remember the time our team actually won a basketball game, or spending an overnight Christmas party with the rest of the guys at Roehl's house. But I'll conveniently forget the numerous times I crammed for a test on a course I didn't care for. Or how I had to get up at 6am to be able to catch a bus to school.

We also hear people say things like "It was much safer back then", or "people were much more polite in the old days". But it's strange that the good ol' days of the past included a great depression, two world wars, several region conflicts, and increasing prospects for nuclear holocaust. I'd say things are actually much better now than before.


2. The 'Greatest Hits' Illusion

My mother would often say to me that the sixties was the greatest era for music. And that much of music nowadays consists of noise. Which is funny because I say the same thing, except for me the best musical era was the eighties. Why do the old songs always sound better than the new ones you hear on radio? It's because of what I call the 'greatest hits' illusion. Only the best songs from the past survive and live on up to the present time. The oldies that are still being played today are the cream of the crop, the absolute studs of their time. No wonder they sound so good. And when you compare it to the present crop of songs, many of them not good enough to be remembered several years from now, the oldies will always win out. It's not even a fair competition - the best of the past versus a bunch of average present day songs.


3. Some eras are better than others

This is a corollary to the previous rule. When I said that the oldies always win out, this is not entirely accurate. Because some eras are better than others. For instance, the sixties was a truly golden age of music. You had many all-time greats such as The Beatles, Elvis, The Beach Boys, Herman's Hermits, etc. By contrast, the seventies, in final analysis, wasn't really that great. Sure it had a lot of great bands, but all of them paled when compared to the sixties jocks.

Similarly, the eighties was another golden era, it was like a musical reawakening, with the audio merging with video, giving artists greater recognition. The nineties was slow in terms of music, but great for the digital information age (after all, this was when the internet first clicked). The challenge is trying to find what the strengths of the current era you are in now and savor it while it is there.


4. 'Things' are colored by memorable events

An inanimate object from the past has special meaning when combined with the memory of a past event. For instance, I look back fondly on the first CAKE CD I ever bought. It was back in 1996, I had to order it from a specialty music store, wait several months for them to get it from the US, then check back to the store to claim the CD (paying a hefty price tag too). The experience is memorable to me as it represents a musical reawakening. And that makes the CD object much more valuable than what it is worth today.

I also remember the last time Roehl, Crab and I visited our college. It was so different, yet the same. The value of visiting the old buildings, eating at the old cafeteria was much more exhilerating as it brought back memories of old events. In this way, nostalgia becomes more solid, concrete in the minds of the person experiencing it.


5. Sometimes you know the present time will be a future nostalgic memory.

This is a bit odd and I'm not sure if I'm the only one who has realized this. There were actually times when I was experiencing something currently happening, and somehow knew that this would be a magical event that I would look back on in the future.

One example, during 1999, this was the time Max, myself and several other guys (we had the regular cast, and a revolving set of 'guests') would go out after work, usually on a Friday, and just have a great time. It was a very intense period as the company we worked for was going through a very turbulent upheaval, lots of office politics, infighting, and emotions, which was in a sense, thrilling. Jeth had a not-so-secret crush on a female co-worker, and I guess I was also in love, er infatuated with someone at the time, which only added to the excitement. I remember thinking to myself as these events were happening that this was truly a magical time that we were all going through. And that we would look back on this with a certain fondness a couple of years from now.

I was right of course. I still consider it one of my high points (Max would argue otherwise as he said he was bored during that time, hehehe). It was the first time I was self-aware of a nostalgic event that was happening in the present. It would be fantastic if I identified this current time, circa 2006, as a potential future nostalgic time I will look back on.


6. Nostalgia periodically reinvents itself

Ever hear a good song on the radio that you thought was new, then finding out it was actually a remake of an older classic? My theory is that the present and future is ripe for repackaging the old stuff and selling it to unsuspecting younger generations who have never heard it before. Kids today probably don't know who Herman's Hermits are, or are only vaguely aware of the Dave Clark 5.

It's the same with nostalgia. You try to remember your thoughts and emotions a decade ago and try to recapture that same feeling in the present. You might be surprised with how much of the old stuff actually relates to the current time. For instance, it's the year 2006 now, but oddly I find many similiarites between this year, and ten years ago dating back to 1996. It's like reliving the nostalgia, only with different people and circumstances, plus being older and wiser by ten years helps me not to make the same mistakes as I did back then. And try to relax and enjoy it more than I did when I was younger.


7. There will nostalgia killjoys

I always run into people who actually don't have much nostalgia for the past. Perhaps they have had past experiences they would like to forget. Or they didn't like themselves back then, and try to bury that part of their life. It's those type of people who back in the nineties would say "Come on, get with the nineties!" (not sure how they would say it now, maybe "Come on, get with the new millenium" or something like that). There are also the soulless zombie types who don't seem to have any memories, they just go through life doing what they are told, without any concept of where they came from, or what they are doing now.

I try to ignore these nostalgia killjoys, because I find them depressing and it saps me of my energy. Don't be ashamed about having fond memories of the past. Because they were a crucial part of what you are today.


Now you know the rules of nostalgia. I could probably add a few more, which I might do in a future post.

Happiness 101: Artificial Happiness

I recently watched a fascinating talk on TV given by Ronald Dworkin, author of the book 'Artificial Happiness'. In this talk, he describes how in today's society, true happiness is gradually being replaced by artificial forms of happiness.

In the olden days, as in pre-1910, doctors were closer to their patients. The primary practitioners of that era needed to be a master of all medical trades, they listened to their patient's personal problems, and frequently helped them both by prescribing medical cures and helping them feel better by listening and talking to them directly. Then this century a shift occured. Primary practitioners became more specialized, becoming less doctor and more engineer. The doctor - patient relationship became more cold, unfeeling. Then something unfortunate happened, 'unhappiness' got diagnosed as a disease that was cured just like any other illness. Doctors started prescribing anti-depressants, prozac, zoloft, to their patients at the slightest hint of unhappiness. Each patient wanted to be "happy", and here was the cure in pill form. Take a pill or drug, and feel happier with ease.

However, there was a big problem with this artificial happiness mentality. He gave an example of a woman in a bad relationship. Although she was unhappy in the relationship (she wanted to get married to her boyfriend, but he didn't seem to be the marrying kind), she nursed the feeling with prozac, and immediately felt better. So she continued the relationship for more than a year, although it felt like a dead-end. But she felt fine because of prozac. After a prolonged period of artificial happiness, she finally felt she could no longer go on with the relationship and broke it off. Had she not nursed her unhappiness in the first place, she probably would have ended it right away, but with the influence of antidepressants, she managed to waste a year of her life in a dead end relationship.

The author also goes on to describe how medicating unhappiness through obsessive fitness and exercise, as well as medicating it through fanatical adherence to organized religion is counterproductive as well. We want to believe that the roots of our depression can be cured by joining this religion, or going on a dedicated fitness program, when it actually only masks the problem. I know people who have gone on fitness binges, or turned to born-again Christianity as a result of a fairly traumatic experience. While this cures the problem temporarily, its long term effect is that you never achieve true happiness, instead always relying on quick fixes. Worse, you never address the roots of the unhappiness in the first place.

Same goes for people who resort to drinking, or other escapes from their current state. They go on shopping binges, or resort to other addictions or keep themselves busy to try to escape how they are really feeling deep inside. We feel guilty and worried when we are not happy and want a cure, right at this moment, because it's not normal.

The lesson of this is that depression and unhappiness has a purpose. It pushes us towards addressing the roots of this unhappiness by making changes and adjustments in our lives. By not resorting to quick fixes such as antidepressants, organized religion, or obsessive exercise, we learn to face the root of our problems head on. This can be a powerful force in changing our lives for the better.

It is important to be honest with ourselves and face the true reasons for how we feel. If I am unhappy with my relationship or marriage, perhaps the best cure is to end it. If I am unhappy with my job, no quick fix will be better than getting a new job I will be happier with. If I am depressed because of my weight, or because of how I feel when I get up in the morning, by all means, the best way to remove that feeling is to do something about it. We no longer resort to artificial forms of happiness but instead go for the real thing.

A side note - this is not to belittle the impact of true depression, the clinical kind. Of course this must be treated with medication as the results are more serious. But for most kinds of unhappiness, those nagging feelings we get every day, it is always better to seek the real cure and avoid quick fixes.

From my personal experience, those times when I was most unhappy, or most depressed turned out to be great turning points as it forced me to be honest with myself, and propelled me to do things I would never have done had I always been happy and content. Depression and happiness are powerful forces of change that force us to get our act together and make great strides towards good. I'm thankful that I was depressed because if I weren't, then maybe today I wouldn't be as happy.

A Theory of Friends

I have a theory of friends. It goes like this: With the right group of people, it doesn't matter which restaurant you eat, or where you hang out. Wherever you go will be a great time. With a mismatched set of people, you can go to the fanciest restaurants and the best coffeeshops and bars, but it won't help a bit.

I remember back in the late 90's, I went out with a group of guys from the office one Friday night. We went to StreetLife Glorietta, Makati, a popular yuppie hangout where you can order food, drink beer, and watch a live band. Although I liked those guys, it just wasn't working out. We were boring each other. Our group was mutually incompatible with each other.

We tried to "fix" it by going to another place, the local starbucks, where we had coffee and tried to start up some stimulating conversation. But it wasn't going anywhere. In a desperate ploy to salvage the night, one of us suggested we stoppover at this street food stall before going home. Didn't work either. I went home feeling empty and sorry that the night was lame.

Contrast that to a night spent with a group of close friends. We stayed at this Burger King which had unlimited drink refills. We stayed there for four hours, I consumed a record number 6 orange carbonated soda. That night was a blast! We talked about all sorts of things. Life, problems, work, past, future, which type of burger was the best, etc.

The place is unimportant, it is the people you are with that matters.

There are many things I still can't figure out regarding my theory of friends. Why is it that some people you want to be friends with just don't work out. It could be that you are incompatible, or that there is a lack of respect or trust, or just something missing. No magic. But you meet a new person for the first time and instantly you know you can be friends with that person. And usually those friendships last a lifetime.

I have been extremely fortunate to meet the right friends at crucial points in my life. Lifelong friends. My problem is not expending enough effort to keep in touch with them. Call it laziness or overconfidence, but I really need to invest more time and effort to keep the friendships going. There's probably something more to this theory, but I haven't figured it out yet.

Time

When I was a kid, time meant nothing to me. I had lots of it. And it felt like I had an unlimited supply. After all, my whole life was ahead of me. I would waste whole afternoons, sometimes whole days, doing absolutely nothing. Daydreaming maybe, or waiting for my favorite cartoon, or counting the days till Christmas. Days and months were long and plentiful.

As I got older, the days became shorter. Christmases came one after another at a rapid pace. The years went by faster. I became more aware of the importance of time. Soon, time became more important than money itself. I jealously regarded my time as a precious commodity.

Knowing that my time was limited, I started rationing it out so that I could use it more wisely. My friends and I realized that our time was very limited. On those days we could be together in one place, we tried to extend and enjoy those instances to the fullest. We knew that the time would come that through circumstances, we would be separated one way or another (which did happen), so there was always this sense of urgency. The ties that bond us together were the respect and importance we gave to our being together, making the most of it while it lasted. In the sense, we stopped wasting time, especially each other's time.

Lately I've become sort of a time miser. A very disagreeable and irritable person to be with. Losing time is as bad or even worse than losing cash. A lost afternoon, or spending several hours on some non-fun activity is especially bad. A bad movie is even worse as you waste both time and money, it's 2 hours and x amount of cash you will never back back. One time I made the mistake of getting suckered into helping a co-worker transport an aquarium from one house to another, which took up my whole saturday. I still cringe when I think of that day I will never get back, a day I could have spent selfishly on myself.

Younger people (and also a lot of older people) don't yet realize the importance of time. They let it pass them by, spending it on matters that are neither important, nor pleasurable to them. A whole life passes by without a second thought or conscious effort to spend it on things you value the most. You end up spending your time on what others feel is important to them, rather than what is important to you. Or you spend it staring at the tv, or long hours in unproductive work, or just idling by waiting for the next day, or the next weekend, or the next year, or the next decade...